toadstar's blog

2009-03-03T14:14:00.001-06:00

It's Three AM, Your Muse Is Calling You:

2009-02-20T14:48:00.003-06:00

Last night I woke up a little after 2:30. I got up turned off the heat and went back to bed. I then proceeded to toss and turn for the next half an hour. The Muse had struck and my brain would not stop.

I guess it started last night. I came home from work with a drawing that I had started at work. It was for a project a friend and I are working on. I worked on that drawing until my wife and kids came home, then tried to work some more, but fatherhood called and I needed to stop drawing. So finishing that is, what I guess got my brain started.
Jump back to three am. My brain is racing and I realize that I'm not going to go back to sleep, so I may as well just get up, get to work and quiet my brain.

So I worked on my tree-I got it scanned and adjusted properly-then started messing with it. I also did some work online. And on my drive home, my car started to over heat, so I stopped at Michael's and picked up a few things. On thing was this set of markers that were on clearance. So I had to try them out and see how they worked. The little doodle above and below is the result-I'd say they work pretty good. I also got a white gel pen-OMG that is the best dollar forty-nine I've ever spent

I don't know if you can tell, but I totally botched the mouth and chin, so I started to cross it out and as I was doing so said-beard!-I think it worked out pretty well.
I had intended to get up for a minute or two then go to bed, but I ended up staying up until my usual time to get up-whoops! Oh well, at least I got some work done.

Ruf Gets Diapered:

2009-02-20T13:59:00.002-06:00

Lucas has found three stuffed doggies, a blue one a brown one and a white one. The blue one is named Ruf, the brown one is named Poop (because he's brown) and the white one is named Whipped as in whipped cream.

The other night Mommy was laying down with Logan and Lucas and I were playing. He walked up to me with Ruf in his hand and a diaper in the other. He stands next to me, looks up and says-he needs his diaper daddy. So I put on his diaper. He needs a cover too daddy. I put on a cover (we cloth diaper). So now we have a smallish stuffed dog with three times its weight and half its size in a diaper and a cover. Cute no?

We decided to go for a ride up to the store. Lucas said that we had to take his doggy with him and we had to put him in Logan's car seat(buckled of course-safety first) . Then, so he wouldn't get bored on the trip, Lucas gave him a book to read.

Stardate 2004:

2009-01-25T12:30:00.005-06:00

I was doing a bit of cleaning the other day and I stumbled upon my old Moleskine sketchbook, so I figured that I'd scan a few favorites to share.

This was my response to the Madrid bombing.

After the bombing there were protest and many of the people had painted their hands red with a black ribbon painted in the middle. This was one of the hands.

Lucky number thirteen. Just a little experiment-her eyes are too small, but other than that I like it.

I love drawing birds. I don't know why. I'm mostly happy with this one-I wish that I would have inked it, but other than that its not to bad. (I know I'm my own worst critic.)

Christmas Glories:

2009-01-08T13:00:00.005-06:00

Every year our neighborhood has a Winter Festival at the community center across the street from our house. They rent a snow maker and give us a nice area filled with snow for the kids to play in. So picture a big green patch of grass with a little rectangle of snow in it and all the neighborhood kids crammed in this small patch of snow and have a massive snowball fight.

This year we missed the big festival. We were out and about, at my parents and just forgot. But on the 23rd Heidi had to go Christmas shopping for Lucas, so I stayed home with him and after a while Lucas and I decided to go to the park. By now it had been three days since the festival and all that was left of the snow was a little patch of iced over snow about the size of a large cookie sheet. Lucas and I played in that snow until there wasn't any left and it was the most fun I've had in a long time.

Lucas would grab a handful of snow and pitch it to me and I would kick it, the ice exploding and showering all over Lucas. Then we would laugh and laugh. For about an hour that day I forgot about bills and all the stress in my life and I just had fun with my son. We would pitch snowballs at each other and wound up soaked, but it was worth it. This was one of those glories of Christmas's from long long ago that we will talk about for years to come.

Happy New Year!:

2008-12-31T14:24:00.003-06:00

I figured that I'd start of the New Year by giving out a fancy new desktop wallpaper. So here you go. Just click on it to get the larger image then right click and save as. Enjoy and have a Happy New Year!

It's Actually Snowing In Houston:

2008-12-10T16:11:00.008-06:00

My wife just called me to let me know that it's snowing over at the house. While on the phone with her I could hear Lucas in the background yelling, "it's Christmas, it's Christmas!" I'm kind of sad that the first time he gets to experience snow is without me. At least I was kind of there.
I love snow, I grew up in Colorado and snow is one of the things that I miss most. So to celebrate this wonderful cold snowy day I give you the first part of a story that I'm working on called "The Faerie Queen's Groom". I'm still editing it, but I'll give you a taste:

The storm clouds slowly gathered above the Rocky Mountains, and made their way east, over the continental divide, down through the foothills and slowly started to unload their cargo over the sleeping population of Denver. I was one of the unfortunate few who could not sleep that night, and I had resigned myself to another sleepless night drinking Earl Grey and reading The Dharma Bums by Jack Kerouac. Ray Smith and Japhy where camping out in the high Sierras searching for enlightenment, but tonight enlightenment wasn’t waiting for me in a book. It was waiting outside my window.

In a weeks time I was going to move to Houston, a move that I didn’t want to make. I had planned to spend just two weeks in Houston with my family for the Christmas holidays, but somehow two weeks had turned into indefinitely. I had lived in Denver almost all my life. From the time that I was four years old, this had been my home and now I was leaving it, and I wasn’t ready to go.

I had sat and watched the snow begin to fall outside and I realized that this might be one of the last times I got to see snow. I had watched the first few flakes flutter down to earth like little white butterflies slowly spinning down towards earth and thoughts began to oscillate through my mind. I remembered when my father first told me that we were moving to Colorado. I had thought he had said that we were moving to Avocado. Immediately I thought of a tropical island with white sandy beaches and tropical birds. I had quickly learned that Colorado wasn't tropical, in fact it was cold, and the only white sandy beaches were lake shores covered in snow, and the only tropical birds were found in pet stores and cages in peoples homes.

I had imagined myself playing in the snow and building snowmen and I quickly became excited about moving to Colorado. I wasn’t disappointed when we finally got there; our house was still being built, so we spent the first couple of months living in a Holiday Inn. Finally one night it snowed. No matter how often I see a fresh blanket of snow, it never fails to amaze me. Everything is so quiet and peaceful and there is just this breathtaking beauty. Everything is as it was before the snow, but yet, covered with several inches of snow it looks so different and surreal. Everything seemed to be swallowed up in whiteness leaving only the hotel and the parking lot visible, while the rest of the world was swallowed up in snow and fog. The next day the sun came out. Although it was still cold outside my parents took me to a park right on the edge of the Denver Basin called Daniel's Park. This is the place where the plains meet the foothills. The land builds up higher and higher until it drops off in to a great valley, which covers the entire horizon, and on the other side of the valley the foothills and then the mountains, which then rise up into the sky like giant cathedrals to nature. We had found a picnic area near a big empty field. To the left of the field there was the picnic area made out of a stonewall and a wood roof, inside there were tables for people to sit and eat. All around the field were trees and scruff and you could see a little further off a herd of Bison standing guard at the foot of the plains.

When we got there we played in the snow and made my first snowman-I named him Frosty. Mom and Dad let me play on my own while they went off to make sandwiches for lunch. I had made my way to the edge of the field near the trees, when suddenly I noticed a snowshoe hare. He had stopped moving when he saw me, and he looked up at me. Our eyes met and it felt as if I could understand what he was thinking, then suddenly he appeared to beckon me forward with his front paw. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing! The hare slowly broke eye contact with me and started to move along the trees, I quickly followed along behind him. Up ahead there was a break in the trees and the hare turned into it, the break turned out to be a pathway in the snow, surrounded by thick undergrowth and tall trees that were as dark as night and almost made an arch over the path like an isle in a church. The hare stopped and turned around to make sure that I was still following behind him, and seeing that I was he turned and went further up the path. I should have been afraid of this path through the woods, but for some reason I wasn’t afraid, I felt as though I was being pulled along and that whatever met me at the end of the path would not hurt me.

We came to the end of the path and there was a large circle, the trees towering above me now twisted and twined upward making a dome shape, and if you looked just right you would swear that you were not surrounded by trees, but in the high alter of a church. Suddenly the wind began to pick up and in the center of the circle the wind began to swirl around, picking up snow and making a tornado of sorts. Just as soon as the wind had started it stopped and in the center of the circle there was now standing a woman. She was wearing a white dress and on her head laid a crown of gold and diamonds arranged like fell boughs of rowan. She was the most beautiful woman that I had ever seen in my life; she wore her reddish-brown locks in a pile of curls atop her head and had the most amazing blue eyes that I had ever seen. She reached out her gloved hand to me, and I reached mine out to take hers, but as soon at we touched, she vanished into thin air. I had closed my eyes in disbelief and shook my head “She can’t have disappeared” I thought to myself, and I fully believed that when I opened my eyes she would still be standing there in front of me. I slowly opened my eyes only to find that I was no longer in the trees, but in the middle of the field. I looked all around, but I couldn’t even see the break in the trees, there was only a solid wall all the way across.

...
I hope you like it. Feel free to leave your thoughts in the comment section. And stay warm.

Stardate-Nineteen. Eighty-eight:

2008-12-05T06:12:00.003-06:00

While up in the attic getting down my Christmas decorations, I stumbled across a box of my old drawings from 1988-1989. I was in Junior High in the 8th grade and at the height of my sk8r days (as you can tell from the artwork). I figured that I'd scan some in and share them with the world. The first one is of Christian Hosoi. He was such an amazing skater, I'm glad that he's finally gotten his life back on track.

I can't for the life of me remember which deck this is from, but it's a detail of it, whatever it is. The cool thing about it was that I drew in while we were on vacation up in the Colorado mountains somewhere. I had just finished it and left it on the table while we went out to dinner. When we came back I realized that we had left a window open and a light misty rain blew into the drawing. It actually ended up creating a cool effect on the blue hands. So it was a nice happy accident.

Santa Cruz Speed Wheels-I just loved the hands and the arteries making up the text. Gross but cool. This was one of the first times that I drew a successful hand. Later on in high school we had to do drawings of our hands-I just had to revisit this theme.

I think that this was a Pushead ripoff-combined with a TSOL logo. When I pulled this one out to scan it, Lucas said - scary monster Daddy. Then I scanned it and it was up on my computer screen and he looked at it, then up at the scanner, then back at the screen, and you could just see the wheels in his head turning-Hey Daddy, your drawing is on the computer....

Thanks for indulging me in this trip down amnesia lane. I have some more so if I have time I may just post some more.

Please, stop what you are doing for a minute to read and sign this letter from Worldchanging:

2008-12-03T07:43:00.001-06:00

On January 20th, 2009, President-elect Obama will deliver his inaugural address. His words will set the tone for how we as a nation will rise to meet the crises we face, and how our allies abroad will respond.

We at Worldchanging believe the inaugural address must call on all Americans to prepare for a national transformation: to turn America into a climate-neutral nation by 2030. This is a monumental challenge, but it is an even better opportunity. The things we must create to fight climate change are also the things we need to generate a strong economic recovery: livable cities, clean energy, green jobs, new technologies, better transportation, healthy forests and thriving family farms.

With your help, we will show that the people of the United States are ready and willing to accept this challenge. And we will ask Obama to issue a call to action with an inaugural address that set specific goals to do the following:

Set a national cap on greenhouse gas emissions
Launch a national campaign to curb sprawl and encourage smart growth
Set national building standards that will require all buildings to be carbon neutral by 2030
Redirect all funding and support for fossil fuels into clean energy development
Give policy support to small farms, local food, and better food quality in schools and low-income neighborhoods
Take a leadership position in international climate, trade and development talks

Please sign below and add your name to the letter that will urge Obama's administration to deliver this vital message in his very first speech as President.

Join supporters around the country to Inaugurate Change.

Sign here.

And send to a friend http://inauguratechange.com.

Gaze into the Fist of Dredd!:

2008-11-25T15:19:00.004-06:00

I remember reading a recent article explaining how the brain remembers things. There isn't just one file that is labeled May, 16th 1995 that contains all the memories of that day. Instead the memories are stored all over the brain. The way that your wife smelled on your wedding day is stored in one section of the olfactory. The sent is then connected with the dress and then the day, etc. etc. Memories are stored in bits and pieces all over. That's why the strangest things can trigger a memory.

Take the above picture-I think that it was just after Palin's big debut at the Republican convention. Something about this image sparked a memory. I couldn't quite place what it was. Then I remembered Warren Ellis's old site, the Engine. They once had a thread that had everyone show their favorite single panel from any comic book. The image below was Warren's entry.

I'm a fanboy, what can I say:

2008-11-18T10:17:00.003-06:00

About a year or so ago I discovered Cherie Priest on John Scalzi's blog. He was talking about her book Dreadful Skin (a portion of which had just gone live @ Subterranean). So I went over and had a look. I found myself glued to the screen for the rest of the day-and not working mind you. I went out and found her first novel Four and Twenty Blackbirds. I ripped through it like I was on fire- Then I ripped through her second just as fast. There was something about the main character, Eden Moore that I just liked-Maybe it's because her voice reminded me of a friend. Maybe there is just enough Rowan Mayfair in her to replace the hole that has been left by Anne Rice's leaving the genre. I don't know.

Sometimes I feel like I'm never going to make it as a writer, I'm never going to get what's in my head down on the page. Sometimes I read Cherie's blog and I see the same doubts. It makes me want to carry on. It's strange to say. Someone else's weakness gives me strength, but it does. Somehow. We're strange creatures that way. We don't like to feel unique-we want to be part of the herd, despite our best efforts to be unique, there is safety in numbers. So I count Cherie as part of our tribe. A fellow writer, that is struggling to make it through life. So support our fellow tribesperson-buy her books read her posts, follow her on twitter. She has a new book coming out soon-there is a great review of it here (scroll down to find it). There is also a novella at Subterranean press-it's online for free so read it and fall in love with her words-then seek out her other books. She is good, you will not regret it and you would be helping out a fellow tribesperson.

Help! I'm In Dire Straights:

2008-11-12T11:18:00.004-06:00

Sorry I hate to do this but I'm desperate. Hurricane Ike leaves me with a huge deductible to get my house fixed. I'm behind on my mortgage and foreclosure is looming and Reliant is refusing to work with me and is threatening to shut off my power if I don't pay them more money than I have. I need help. So I'm starting a pledge drive. Below there is a Paypal Donate button, please, please help me and my family. If you do I will give you a sketch of whatever you want. Just email me a picture of what you want drawn to toad7827@yahoo.com and I will draw it. Or if you send me three or four pictures I can make you a photoshop mix up of the images. The more you donate, the more time I will spend on your sketch-but don't worry, I'm not going to send you something crappy if you don't donate a lot.
I wouldn't be doing this if I weren't so desperate. Thank you so much for your support. My family and I thank you.

I Don't Care Who You Are, That's Funny Right There:

2008-10-23T05:08:00.003-05:00

I'm going to early vote this weekend to ensure that this doesn't happen. I promise.

2008-10-02T10:56:00.003-05:00

Urban Re:Vision:

Urban Re:Vision recently had a contest to find people who were willing and able to rebuild a sustainable foundation for the future. Now they move on to the second phase-actually turning a city block in Dallas, Texas into a sustainable community. There are some brilliant ideas at work here and I'm anxious to see what becomes of them. Perhaps I feel a road trip to Dallas coming on.
Here is some basic information about the Urban Re:Vision Design competition. http://www.urbanrevision.com/competition_detail.php?re=construct
We now enter a phase where we will take an actual city block and transform it into a completely sustainable, healthy community. For right now, all the details I can give are that the city is going to be Dallas and a city block with be completely transformed. The competition is global and we are inviting the top architects and sustainable industry leaders to help us design and build the city block.
Also, to get an idea about Urban Re:Vision, you may want to watch a couple of our videos here: http://www.revisiontv.com/
We just finished up the Re:Construct competition and you’ll find more information on one of the winners in the attached JPG.

One of the Winners of Re:construct:
An innovative building solution--a wall made of maps.
*Great details included on the attached jpeg

MAP COMPRESSION BLOCK—a wall made of compressed, outdated maps that are very difficult to recycle
www.mapblock.org
Nicky Kirk
Amenity Space, London UK
Problem: Ordinance Survey (Great Brittan's national mapping service) outdated maps are difficult to recycle due to the inks not being compatible with the pulping process

Solution: Create thermally efficient and structurally sound building blocks by stacking the outdated maps

30,000 maps create a 2-layer wall 4.5m wide by 3.0m high (see attached for more details)
They believe that recycling paper in its pure form will provide sustainable, evocative designs fit for purpose and fully integrate into a wide range of applications and locations.

2008-09-24T17:20:00.002-05:00

Superstruct! Preview:

SUPERSTRUCT - A Sneak Preview of The Final Threat

What does the world of 2019 look like? Find out now.

The full report from the Global Extinction Awareness System is LIVE -- and you can read it here for the first time anywhere. Find out exactly why the human species may face extinction by the year 2042 – and what we can do about it.

With this report, the Superstruct Story is just beginning. Two weeks from today, on October 6, 2008, we’ll flip the game switch on. Then it’s YOUR turn to tell the story of 2019 – and to help invent the future.

So read the scenario now... and get ready to start superstructing!
(And if you can't wait to start participating, join the Superstruct group on Facebook now. See what players are already talking about and planning for the game...)

I'm getting really excited about this game, it's starting to feel like a huge life changing event and I can't wait to start writing. I've had ideas flowing through my brain-I just need to find some time to write them down. Last night on the way home inspiration struck whilst driving. I tried to find a paper and a pen, but I couldn't (which is probably for the best). So I repeated it over and over again until I had it stuck in my brain. "We tied ourselves to the mast of 20th century technology and bravely sailed into the 21st; we never noticed that the ship was falling apart around us." You can read the rest here on October 6, 2008.

2008-09-10T16:38:00.001-05:00

Happy First Birthday Logan!!:

I started this blog shortly after I found out that my wife was pregnant with our little Logo. At the time I was shocked. I didn't feel ready for another child, but another child I had, so I decided to make the most of it.

A year ago my wife gave birth to him at our home. It was a truly amazing experience. Catching my son was one of the most wonderful things that I've ever done in my life. And knowing that I was the first person to touch and hold him is so special to me. I feel that it gave me and Logan a bond that only we share. It kind of saddens me to think that this bond does not exist with most children and their fathers.

Logan is my joyful baby. He's always happy. Sometimes he gets so excited by life that he can't contain himself and the only way he can think to express his joy is with a scream-eyes open hands waving screaming at the pure joys in life. He's taught me a lot about love and happiness and joy-and I am so grateful to have him in my life.

Happy Birthday Logan-I love you.

2008-08-27T12:13:00.004-05:00

The Highlight Of My Week So Far:

2008-08-23T23:00:00.001-05:00

11th Hour and Sustainable Living in Houston:
Today I went off to the Lone Star College to join Sustainable Living in Houston for a viewing of 11th hour. The movie was good. It had many interesting points some that I hadn't considered yet. For example the idea that we are living off of ancient sunlight, i.e. oil and coal are the remains of things that were alive a long time ago. Before the Industrial Revolution we were living off of current sunlight, meaning that we ate only the crops that we grew, the animals that we used for both transportation and food were fed off of current sunlight. It's a simple concept really, but something that I had never bothered to look at in that, pardon the pun, light.

I've always thought of it more in these terms. Nature has this amazing ability to restore itself, in fact I would say that nature is the master recycler, for instance when a rabbit dies in the forest it will decompose, before too long there will be no physical trace left of the rabbit (of course there will be nutrients left in the soil and some fat happy bacteria...). Oil and Coal are waste from the past, it's stuff that should have been decomposed, but for some reason the process was stopped or prevented and now we have oil and coal. The reason that we have these substances is sheer dumb luck, and it's stupid to base an entire economy on something unsustainable, especially leftover waste.

Another aspect that I found interesting was when (her name escapes me), but when they were discussing the strongest material we have, kevlar. The manufacturing of kevlar take an enormous amount of energy-a lot of that energy is wasted. In contrast one of the strongest natural materials is a spider silk. It was suggested that we need to find ways of manufacturing more like nature, when a spider makes its silk, energy is not wasted, and the spider does not need to warm up to extreme temperatures to make its silk. We need to find better ways of making textiles, or really anything at all, ones that do not waste so much heat and electricity, ones that are cleaner and safer for both the environment and the people that use them.

Here are some lines from the movie that I found interesting:
We Create our own environment.
Nature is a resource.
One hundred million environmental refugees.
We are facing a convergence of crises.
Seventy countries have no original forests.
You're either humans or property and nature is property.
Cradle to cradle design.
Things are the thief of time.
Love is the force that makes us fully human.

The Sustainable Living in Houston people are great, really passionate and caring and I think that they are doing great things. I'm pretty sure I'll be seeing more of them in the future, I'm thinking of volunteering. If you live in the Houston area and care about our environment, check out their website and help them out in any way possible.

2008-08-07T13:44:00.004-05:00

Happy Birthday Lucas!!!

It's been three years now, since my boy was born. And a lot has happened in those three years. A lot of events that have changed who I am forever, and made me a Daddy a word that still fills me with pride every time I hear him say it. I'm proud to be Luke's Daddy and I'm so glad that I get to show him around this planet for a while. There's nothing more exciting that teaching him new things and watching him understand and start to piece the world together.

I remember when he was born. I had just come to the realization that in a month, my son would be born. I still had so much to do to get ready. Aside from the physical preparations of cribs and strollers and all the baby paraphernalia, I still wasn't mentally ready. I look back now and think, how can you be. Fatherhood is a huge change and you don't know how strongly it will take hold of you. You can never be prepared for that. I remember the day after he was born I went to the store to get food and supplies, and in the car on the way there I was listening to the 80's channel and all those sappy old love songs had changed for me. They were no longer about the love of a man for a woman, they were about the love I have for my son. Realizing that everything kind of shifted and changed, I had a new outlook on life.

Luke's birth was hard, it left many scars on me and my wife. We went in for a routine exam only to be told that my wife had pre-eclampsia and they wanted to check us into the hospital for more tests. We were so scared. We had planned a homebirth. We didn't want a traumatic birth for our son and now we were faced with the fact that they may schedule us for and emergency c-section. I had only just realized that he was due in a month and now they are telling me that my son could be birthed today. I was so scared. My wife was too, this is not how we planned to start parenthood. We checked in on a Wednesday and they ran some tests. Friday they started to induce labor. I was grateful that they at least were going to let us try and deliver naturally, but they made sure that we knew, if my wife did not progress they would do a c-section.

Honestly I don't think that we could have gotten away with as much as we did if it wasn't for our midwife and one of the nurses that was to be our back up midwife. It was great having someone there to help up, to try and protect our wishes. Things started coming to a head late Saturday afternoon. My wife wasn't progressing fast enough and Lucas wasn't in position. The doctor was on his way to check on my wife. My midwife, our nurse and I all placed our hands on my wife's belly and the nurse placed one on my wife's cervix, she was trying to massage it open, while her other hand and our hands tried to push Lucas into position. They began to pray-please let this baby get into position... I'm not one that wears my religion on my sleeve and I'm not really one for spontaneous public prayer, but this was one of the most moving emotional moments in my life. All the power and love that was in that room all for my son. It was amazing. I don't think that this moment had as much impact on my wife as it did on me, but it was one of the most spiritual moments of my life. What ever happened there actually worked, we were aloud to carry on.

Lucas was finally born at 3:21 Sunday morning. I remember my wife and I were so happy, so excited, so relieved to finally have our son we didn't notice that his cord was wrapped around his neck. It took a moment longer to realized that he wasn't breathing at that point I don't think that anyone in the room was breathing. Finally he screamed and everything was right in the world we still had some battles to fight before we could bring him home. But we fought them and survived, we may have been wounded in the fight, but we made it and since we've had the joy of raising our Lucas our sweet, kind, loving boy.

So here we are three years later. You've learned to walk. You've learned to talk. You've become a big brother and taught me a lot about life. You may drive me crazy, but I love you more than anything and you're one of the greatest joys in my life. So Happy Birthday Lucas, I love you.

2008-08-06T14:51:00.004-05:00

Good News For a Change (Now With Added Bonus Link Dumps):

So first the good news. At the end of September the Institute for the Future's Jane McGonigal and Jamais Cascio are going to be conducting the world's first massively multiplayer forecasting game Superstruct and I am going to be on their advisory board. It's a chance to have my work highlighted on the site and the weekly updates, so needless to say, I'm really excited about this and really want to thank Jane and Jamias and everyone at the IftF for the opportunity.

And now the links:

*An estimated 125,000 Western lowland gorillas are living in a swamp in equatorial Africa, researchers reported Tuesday, double the number of the endangered primates thought to survive worldwide.

I find this amazing. So what do the swamps have that the mountains didn't? Lack of poachers? Lack of disease? Six of one, half dozen of the other? Think of this in human terms. It's like refugees from a war torn country migrating to Europe or America. Picture this happening to other species. What if the polar bears just migrated further north or found an uncharted island? There are so many species supposedly endangered, but what if we're just looking in the wrong places for them and their thriving in hiding, safe from mankind.

*Nature Neuroscience article on neurological basis for magic, co-written by Teller of Penn and Teller.

*Gargantuan Scale Model of Shanghai in 2020 This is just awesome-When they finish building it, it look like something you'd see on Coruscant. Just get rid of all cars and replace them with hovercars or space ships and I think you have a dead ringer.

*Tokyo Fantasy: Images of the apocalypse Amazing pictures. But it reminds me of what Geoff Manaugh from the blog BLDGBLOG said in a recent post:
"This is obviously meant as a warning.
However, the main problem I have with using maps and scenarios like this to get people worked up about climate change is that these warnings often seem to have the opposite effect.
In other words, these things are actually so evocative, and so imaginatively stimulating, that it's hard not to get at least a tiny thrill at the idea that you might get to see these things happen."
Looking at these pictures you do tend to marvel at their beauty and wonder what it would be like to live there, to watch as nature wipes out mans footprint. How will we live, how will we survive?

*ETech's CFP has launched. The theme this year is Living, Reinvented: The Technology of Abundance and Constraints. I've been pondering these themes for the past six months, perhaps I'll have to write a paper. What's the worst that can happen?

*Italy Begins Military Effort to Quell Crime. This is scary.
"Soldiers were deployed throughout Italy on Monday to embassies, subway and railway stations, as part of broader government measures to fight violent crime here for which illegal immigrants are broadly blamed."
Superstruct is broken up into five scenarios the one that I'm working on will be Generation Exile. Basically with huge storms, and world economies falling there will be a massive worldwide migration. What will happen then? If we cannot currently deal with people migrating from poorer economies and war torn countries, what will happen when millions are coming over the border? That is one reason why I find this so scary. If countries are already using the military to suspend civil rights and shake down migrants for just walking down the street, what will happen in the future? What will happen in the United States when our military is stretched too far and we don't have enough troops to patrol our cities much less our borders? Will we resort to something like using Blackwater troops to protect our citizens? How do we manage this? How do we continue to treat people like human beings in all of this?

2008-07-28T16:03:00.002-05:00

The Road Goes Ever On:

It's a bit strange and bittersweet to come to the end of one journey and start off at the foothills of another. Last Friday I had my last therapy session. I have spent the past few months shedding the layers of my former self and rebuilding myself as a happier, better person. All along this path I was guided by my guardo camino, my therapist. She helped me to fix myself, she gave me the tools to make my wife say that she doesn't want to rip my throat out any longer.

So after my last session I got up to say goodbye feeling like I was in a eddy of emotion; on the one hand happy and excited, the world is at my feet. On the other hand nervous and scared like a bird leaving it's nest for the very first time. But that's the thing about journeys, isn't it? You don't know whats going to happen and that's part of the wonder of it.

2008-07-15T14:09:00.004-05:00

Possible Health Effects of Global Warming And Some Other Passing Thoughts:

*Many illnesses that have effected drought plagued countries are malaria, dengue fever and hantavirus and we could expect to see these in greater numbers if global warming succeeds in raising the median temperature, creating drought like conditions in the United States (I mention only the United States, because a) I live there and b) the article that I'm about to link to focuses primarily on the U.S. of A. but rest assured that these condition will happen globally and already are). In a study published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, researchers predict that rising temperatures will make kidney stones more common.

"By 2050, say University of Texas urologists Tom Brikowski and Margaret Pearle, most Americans will live in areas considered high-risk zones for the painful deposits, caused when minerals crystallize into chunks too large [to] leave the bladder."

It's interesting to ponder the many different ways that global warming will effect us. Interestingly enough the first commenter said the one big cause of kidney stones are High Oxalate foods. So I googled High Oxalate foods and found a list here. Yea that list pretty much everything I eat except for yellow dock and Swiss chard, so I'll happily give those up...

*In other news, Viacom has agreed to let Youtube mask all user Id's and Internet addresses, which means that we shouldn't expect strange Amazon like emails like-As someone who has purchased or rated videos by 2 girls and 1 cup**, you might like to know.....
**not that I would watch that you dirty, dirty people...

*I'm not sure what this guy is thinking, but a disgruntled engineer hijacked San Francisco's computer system. "When the Department of Technology tried to fire him, he disabled all administrative passwords other than his own." So either a) he's going the wrong way towards getting his job back or b) he just pwned San Francisco. I can't tell if he's a hero or a douche (we've all had dreams of exacting revenge on former bosses-I'm looking at you MiL).

*I had more, but I've run out of time-I have a doctors appointment shortly. I'll post more tomorrow.

2008-07-10T15:09:00.003-05:00

Epic Fail*

"To no man will we deny, To no man will we delay, Justice and Right." -- The Magna Carta.

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized. --U.S. Constitution: Fourth Amendment: Search and Seizure--

Bush signs bill overhauling eavesdropping rules. Wow, I don't even think that the ink was dry from the Senate passing this giant pile of tripe. I guess that he wanted to pass that sucker into law before the Senate came to their senses. I hope that the Senators that sold out the constitution enjoy spending their $8359-hey we understand, gas is expensive.

From the former article: "Its passage was a major victory for Bush, an unpopular lame-duck president who nevertheless has been able to prevail over Congress on most issues of national security and intelligence disputes." The democrats have control of both the House and Senate and have a lame-duck President with one of the lowest approval ratings-why do they keep on catering to the status quo?

"In the aftermath of 9/11," Bush said, "few would have imagined that we would be standing here seven years later without another attack on American soil. The fact that the terrorists have failed to strike our shores again does not mean that our enemies have given up." But why would they go through all the trouble of planning another attack when our own government is winning the war on terror for them? In his new article, 'Don't let 'Brave New Britain' remove our fundamental rights' Bob Geldof states:

What terrorises the terrorists is our civilisation. What those unthinking fools of fundamentalism fear most are the freedoms our representatives now strip away. This "war on terror" is against Islamist forces that reject the Enlightenment.

How can we ever succeed, if we side with our opponents in rejecting those ideals? Every moment we are spied on by the invisible watchers, every time we are monitored, every time we are logged on databanks, they win. And every time we accept it, we lose.

I concur entirely (even though the article is directly about events in England, this article is the most righteous defence of civil liberties I think that I have ever read-please do yourself a favor and read it.) The way that we win the war on terror is to carry on, to not let our civil liberties erode, to stand up for the constitution and the ideals that it represents.

Sen. Barack Obama [D, IL] -- Aye
I have tried not to get swept up in the Obama movement, I've just become so skeptical of politicians that he seemed too good to be true, but the truth is I want to believe. I got swept up in it, because I felt that change is what we need, I've sat by and watched my government disregard common law, the constitution and the bill of rights and we need someone to take it back for the people, and I thought that it would be Obama. I remember after Super Tuesday hearing him on the radio chanting "yes we can, yes we can!" and tearing up, it just moved me so much. Something so simple, but it meant so much, it meant hope, an end to fear and lies, but after this week, however, I'm not so sure anymore. I am so disappointed in his voting for this bill, this bill that effectively destroys the fourth amendment, and what's most disgusting of all is that he stands to be the one to benefit most from it. I went to my.barackobama.com and joined the Senator Obama, Please Vote Against FISA group, hoping that we could usher change from within. We failed.

I'll still vote for Obama, but with a heavier heart and perhaps a twinge of guilt.

To end on a positive note, I just want to say how exciting it is to be a part of something as big as this. In the past week I have opened up a new part of myself, one that instead of just complaining about the problems facing America, and is actually doing something to fix it. This morning I got an email from the head of the Please vote against FISA Group, it filled me with hope, we may have lost a battle, but we will continue to fight on-I think that something good will come out of this. Glen Greenwald at Salon.com has written of how a Left-Right coalition has been spawned in the midst of this battle, a coalition that will carry on the struggle to protect our liberties into the next Presidency. I hope we do.

*I borrowed the tittle and gravestone picture from Wil Wheaton. Once again, I hope he doesn't mind.

2008-07-10T14:15:00.003-05:00

Today My Little Logo Is 10 Months Old:

Today my youngest son is ten months old, but don't tell him that. He seems to think that he is at least two. He's walking, he's talking, playing, throwing balls, and wrestling with his brother and Daddy. He is such an amazing kid-just look at that big bright, shining face, he is in love with life, and it's contagious. He wants everyone he passes to smile and say hello to him. A couple of weeks ago we were at Target and this boy leaned backwards in my arms until he was almost parallel with the ground, just to get the attention of the people next to us. He was getting frustrated that they were not paying him any attention.

At work we started working four ten hour shifts so that we can get Fridays off and save some gas. This is the first week and it's been a difficult adjustment, but what makes it all worth while is walking through my front door and having my kids be so excited to see me. Yesterday Logan said "Hi Daddy" and its the cutest thing, he sticks out his tongue and his voice goes up a couple of octaves, its sweet and its tender, and its the highlight of my day.

A couple of months ago we went to my wife's La Leche League couples meeting and the group leader said something along the lines of "Daddies have to earn the love of their babies." And its true. Babies have that instant bond with the baby, mom is comfort and safety mom is home. Daddy can provide comfort, but baby needs mommy. But somewhere along that first year baby and daddy bond. I told my wife the other day that I had always loved Logan, but right now I'm falling in love with him. Each day Logan and I open ourselves up to each other and grow closer, and each moment I get to spend with him is simply amazing.

2008-07-09T17:07:00.003-05:00

I For One Welcome Our Government Overseer's:

In a 69-28, lopsided vote the US Senate bows to Bush's continuing war on the Constitution and voted to approve his surveillance bill. Bush says that the legislation will protect citizens' rights of privacy from government intrusion as well as Americans' security.

"This bill will help our intelligence professionals learn who the terrorists are talking to, what they're saying and what they're planning."

Does it really? Has anyone thought to explain to him the paradox of the false positive? In Cory Doctorow's book Little Brother, he explains this theory thusly:

Terrorists are really rare. In a city of twenty million like New York, there
might be one or two terrorists. Maybe ten of them at the outside. 10/20,000,000
= 0.00005 percent. One twenty-thousandth of a percent.
That's pretty rare all right. Now, say you've got some software that can sift through all the bank-records, or toll-pass records, or public transit records, or phone-call
records in the city and catch terrorists 99 percent of the time.

In a pool of twenty million people, a 99 percent accurate test will identify two hundred thousand people as being terrorists. But only ten of them are terrorists. To
catch ten bad guys, you have to haul in and investigate two hundred thousand
innocent people.

Guess what? Terrorism tests aren't anywhere close to 99 percent accurate. More like 60 percent accurate. Even 40 percent accurate, sometimes.

What this all meant was that the Department of Homeland Security had set itself up to fail badly. They were trying to spot incredibly rare events -- a person is a terrorist -- with inaccurate systems.

So what good is it all? If the odds of catching an actual terrorist in this method is this small, why continue to eavesdrop? What is there to gain? Control. Control in two different ways. 1) Waving the specter of the terrorist bogey man over our heads creating fear a fearful populace is more willing to let the government take away their civil rights in the name of protecting us from said bogey man. They are creating oppression through fear. 2) Now they have control of all our information, bank records, medical records, what we buy at the grocery store, bus trips, who we call and how often. Now they can tag us and track us and keep us in line-we have become spime. But did they really need to go through all this political posturing? No, apparently domestic spying is a large portion of federal intelligence and law enforcement agencies and goes far beyond mere wiretapping. "They sift, store and analyze the communications, spending habits and travel patters of U.S. Citizens, searching for suspicious activity."

"There's virtually no branch of the U.S. government that isn't in some way involved in monitoring or surveillance," said Matthew Aid, an intelligence historian and fellow at the National Security Archives at The George Washington University. "We're operating in a brave new world."

Apparently, however the government wants to be the only entities that track our online use. "Executives from major Internet players-Microsoft Corp., Google Inc. and facebook Inc.- are due for a grilling about online privacy in a Senate committee Wednesday, [...] NebuAd had drawn fierce criticism from privacy advocates in recent weeks for working with Internet service providers to track the online behavior of their customers and then serve up targeted banner ads based on that behavior."

Pot meet Kettle...

[edited to add more links]

2008-07-08T15:58:00.005-05:00

Saving the Environment-You're Doing It Wrong:

So the G-8 have gotten together and have agreed to reduce greenhouse emissions in half by (you ready for this....) 2050. Forty-two years! I don't honestly think that we have that much time-and that's only by half how much longer to reduce it further? In forty-two years, I'll be 76 living on an iron lung from all the crap in the air (not kidding just look at these pictures of China)* and living in a house floating over what use to be Houston Texas, but is now the Gulf of Mexico.

Although it's not surprising given the new revelations that 'Vice President Dick Cheney's office pushed for major deletions in congressional testimony on the public health consequences of climate change'. Six pages of testimony from the head of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention were cut in an attempt to avoid having to regulate greenhouse gases. The White House claims that the changes were made because of reservations raised by White House advisers questioning the accuracy of the science and we all know how much the White House cares about accuracy in regards to science.

At a news conference, Boxer said the heavy editing of the CDC testimony
last October was "not haphazard" but part of broader efforts to downplay the
consequences of climate change. She said the goal was to assure EPA's response
to a Supreme Court directive to examine whether to regulate carbon dioxide
"would be as weak as possible."

So there it is pandering to the automotive industry and the oil companies is more important than the health and lives of the people that they are suppose to represent.

*Yes I realize that part of the reason that the air quality in China is so bad is due to outsourcing manufacturing jobs to China that could be done here, but I use this as merely an example-I could have easily linked a picture of Denver or LA, but I chose instead to link this article, because I found it interesting and the picture illustrated my point.

2008-07-07T16:12:00.004-05:00

The War On Photography Part III And Some Quick Ones:

Last May Jeremy Dear, the general secretary of the National Union of journalists wrote a letter to the Home Secretary, Jacqui Smith, to protest against police serveilling journalists and photographers. In the letter Dear stated that "journalists and photographers are being monitored and recorded by the Metropolitan Police's Forward Intelligence Team (FIT), adding that this surveillance amounts to virtual harassment and is a serious threat to the journalists' right to carry out their work."

On June 26 the Union secretary general responded. So what is the official stance of the Home Secretary? Simple, you have the right to take pictures in public spaces. There is no law prohibiting that, however, local restrictions may be enforced. "Decisions may be make locally to restrict or monitor photography in reasonable circumstances. That is an operational decision for the officers involved based on the individual circumstances of each situation.

It is for the local Chief Constable, in the case of your letter the Commissioner of the Metropolitan Police Force, to decide how his or her Officers and employees should best balance the rights to freedom of the press, freedom of expression and the need for public protection."

So basically you have the right to take pictures and we have the right to harass you about it.

* Over on boing boing they discuss the draft bill proposed by members of the Iranian Parliament that seeks to "toughen punishment for disturbing mental security in society." This bill would add, "establishing websites and weblogs promoting corruption, prostitution and apostasy," to the list of crimes punishable by death.

How does one "disturb mental security in society"? Would exposing to some new thought process qualify? What if I open your mind to some greater understanding of the world around you, would that qualify? And how many people would it have to effect? This blog may disturb mental security, but my readership is so low could it be considered disturbing the mental security of the society at large?

*I decided to put my proverbial money where my mouth is and try and do what little I can to stop my Senators from voting for Telecom Immunity. Do your part too, go here for details. Remember this Union was created by the people for the people, let our Representatives know what the people want-then hold them accountable when they don't.

*And finally: under which monkish ignorance and superstition had persuaded them to bind themselves. Matt Fraction sets the record straight.

2008-07-01T16:01:00.003-05:00

Some Quick Ones:

*Another example of police bullying someone with a camera, this time the videographer wins.

*The RIAA's suggestions for the content of ACTA-I haven't made it all the way through yet, but so far these are the ones that will make my stuff turn white, if you know what I mean:
-Provide law enforcement authorities ex officio powers to investigate criminal infringements of intellectual property rights and initiate criminal actions on their own initiative.
-Ensure that courts have the authority to issue ex parte search orders.
-Provide that orders by judicial authorities need not individually identify the items subject to seizure, so long as they fall within general categories specified in the order.
-Provide that goods determined to be infringing are subject to forfeiture and destruction regardless of whether any action for infringement is initiated, whether civil, administrative or criminal and without any compensation of any kind to the defendant, and regardless of whether there has been any finding of liability on the part of any person.
-Provide remedies and injunctive relief against any entity that: (a) Creates or otherwise maintains directories of infringing materials((like Google people)); (b) Provides "deeplinks" to infringing files ((Linking is not a crime, that's like trying to arrest me for saying look over there, that house is a brothel...))

*It looks like Obama's supporters are trying to force his hand to take a stand against telecom amnesty-I for one hope it works.

*Microsoft has filed a patent for a "digital manners policy," or DMP for short. So be good for goodness sake-or Bill will turn off your gadget.... can you say fascism? Bruce Schneier explains why this is a bad idea on this post.

*And finally Big Brother, is coming to Colorado-Hundreds of police, firefighters, paramedics and even utility workers have been trained and recently dispatched as “Terrorism Liaison Officers” in Colorado and a handful of other states to hunt for “suspicious activity” — and are reporting their findings into secret government databases. So be really nice to that utility guy when he cuts off your power....

2008-07-01T15:15:00.003-05:00

More On The British War Against Photography:

Last week I wrote about the British war on photography and how such an attempt to change public perception may effect the participatory panopticon. So I figured who would know better than Jamais Cascio himself. I sent him an email asking him what he thought and he was kind enough to write a response to me. Here it is:

My first blush response is that the initial effect of such regulation is to
drive photography underground, or make surreptitious photography more likely. We
change how we hold cameras, for example, or cameraphones, to make it less
obvious. We use devices harder to identify easily as cameras. That sort of
thing.

I suspect, however, that before that happens we'll see more significant
public pushback on the issue. Right now, the accelerated restrictions on
photography (in the UK primarily, but increasingly in the US) is coming close to
what I've called in the past an "auto-immune society" disorder, where the
measures taken to protect ourselves -- our "immune system" -- end up harming us
more than the threat being responded to.

That is to say, I suspect that we'll correct this problem before it
gets much worse. I hope, at least.

Longer term, these kinds of restrictions become impossible to enforce
without DRM-style controls put into every recording device.

I'll have to think on this some more. Thanks for asking.

Which makes me think that we'll be seeing a lot more of these.

It also begs the question of governments using psyops against their own people as a measure of control. To change public perception by equating photography to pedophilia and terrorism is just another way to reinforce attitudes and behaviors favorable to the watchers' objectives, which is to take away our ability to pushback and bring us back in line with the rest of the sheep.

I love to take pictures of buildings. I love to take pictures of powerlines and street lights-I like the man made artifice against the perfect beauty of nature. I have stood downtown and taken pictures of buildings. Does this simple act make me a terrorist. No, it makes me an artist, a photographer, someone that loves nature and patterns and the marvel of mankind's intellect.

I hope that Jamais is right and we will correct this problem before it gets worse, because there is a whole world out there just begging to be photographed.

2008-06-30T15:14:00.006-05:00

Link Dump For 6/30/08:

I have a bunch of windows open and want to share some before I close them.

*Devo sues McDonalds for ripping off the rockin' Devo hat and putting it on some cheesy American Idol toy. My son has this one and that was the first thing I said-Devo! He has another one that has a mohawk and when you press down the mohawk it plays some crap version of 'God Save the Queen". Hopefully Uncle Johnny will sue them too.... The best part of the article and yet another reason for loving Devo (aside from their amazing cover of Satisfaction) is this quote:

"They didn't ask us anything. Plus, we don't like McDonald's, and we don't
like American Idol, so we're doubly offended."

And so are we.

* Neatorama brings us the Top 10 Strangest Anti-Terrorism Patents. Pictured above is one of my favorites, the rapid response patrol and antiterrorist vehicle. Is that awesome or what? I looks like something that Sgt. Bosco B.A. Baracus* and crew would whip up at the end of another exciting episode of The A-Team inorder to whoop up on the bad guys, save the village/town/hostle/whatever before collecting the money and running off into the sunset...

* I dub this the T-roll...

(edited to fix a link)

2008-06-27T15:12:00.003-05:00

The British War Against Photography:

The Register has an interesting article entitled 'The War on Photographers-You're All al Qaeda Suspects Now.' In which they talk about the recent upsurge in police and security personnel harassing people for taking pictures. All in the name of nation security. Similar instances have happened in the United States, but it seems to be occurring in the UK at an alarming rate.

There is a theory put forth by futurist Jamais Cascio called the Participatory Panopticon. Basically it answers the question, who watches the watchers. We do. Thanks to ever increasing digital media capacity and ubiquitous camera phones it is possible for us to record almost every aspect of our lives (and in the near future we will be able to). Not only that but with almost unlimited storage capacity, we are uploading our lives to the Internet. What happens when our lives are uploaded? Transparency. If I have an argument with my wife (which would never happen ;) ) she would have the ability to say "oh yes you did, look." and I would have no choice but to admit mea culpa.

Already you can see the affect of the participatory panopticon. At the 2004 Republican Convention hundreds were arrested for demonstrating. When in court the police showed videographic evidence of the protesters wrongdoings-the only problem was that the footage was doctored. Defendants were able to find footage shot by others at the demonstration on their camera phones and it showed no wrong doing. Most of the people arrested were let go.

So if the very tool that we are using to watch the watchers is perceived as being a tool of the terrorists how can the participatory panopticon carry on? If the police were able to stop people from taking pictures at the 2004 Convention, how many more people would be arrested, and how many would still be sitting in jail?

2008-06-27T11:20:00.006-05:00

Because I'm Feeling Lazy-A Link Dump:

*First the awesome. A 3D Holographic display. I've been waiting for one of those since I first saw Star Wars. Now all I need is my jet pack and flying car and I'm a happy boy.

*This makes me angry. I guess that the constitution and my civil rights are only worth $8359. Sweet. I wonder what the constitution has to say about it? Let's find out, US Constitution, Article 1, Section 9: No bill of attainder or ex post facto Law shall be passed. Hmmmm...

And what is Barack Obama's position? Silence. I think that Wil Wheaton put it best when he said:

Wouldn't it be awesome if a senator who had expressed non-ambiguous
opposition to the Protect AT&T act in the past joined in the filibuster
against it?
Wouldn't it be even more awesome if the vast majority of that
senator's base -- oh hell, forget the base, let's open it up to the vast
majority of all Americans -- opposed amnesty for law-breaking telcos and
expanded spying powers for the White House, making this a slam dunk win for that
senator, giving him a chance to show some serious leadership?
Oh! Oh! Oh! And
wouldn't it be the most awesome EVER if that senator was running for president,
and could use this issue to show Americans that he was seriously committed to
changing the way things happen in Washington?!
Yeah, that sure sounds like a
perfect dream scenario, doesn't it?
Oh well. A guy can dream. Yeah . . . a
guy can dream.

(Here's t hoping that Wil is cooler than the AP, because that was more than five words.)

*Looks like you can expect more commercials on the AM/FM dial thanks to the US Senate. I wonder how much the musicians will actually make off of this. The RIAA must be getting desperate for money-maybe they need it to pay back all those court fees. You know, I know someone in the music industry he says that he makes money from touring, not albums, not radio, they make all their money going on tour. The RIAA just can't adjust to living in a post scarcity world (as far as music goes, we have a way to go before we have a post-scarcity society, but again a guy can dream.)

*This next one is an AP article, so I'm just going to paraphrase the headline-Some dude in Germany set fire to his car because he was mad about the cost of gas. Why don't you just take the bus like everyone else? I know that I have and now I have stories that begin with the phrase "there was this crackhead on the bus this morning...." Good times, good times.
(edited to correct a link. Twice...)

2008-06-20T15:53:00.002-05:00

Million Mile Mission:

As a science fiction writer/reader, I love space. I love it's limitless possibilities. I love it's infinite reach and beauty. So it goes that I'm real excited about all the renewed talk of space exploration. I am disappointed that we do not already have a colony on the moon, I am saddened to think that the last time we landed on the moon was 1976. It was like we said, been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

Today I found this article that both excites me and in a way depresses me. The exciting part is obviously a freakin mission to a freakin asteroid! I'm even more jazzed about landing on an asteroid, because I'm in the middle of reading 'River of Gods' by Ian McDonald (which I'm totally enjoying, I love watching all these puzzle pieces fall into place) which has people landing on asteroids (I don't want to give any of the book away, lets just say that if you have read it you'll be like oh, yea that is cool....).

But the part that depresses me is this:

Jones is part of an unofficial group of NASA actives and alums who have
been studying, mostly on their own time, the particulars—engineering
requirements, mission trajectories, scientific payoffs, and costs—of a human
trip to an asteroid. Like the Mars Underground, a larger group of enthusiasts
who for the past 20-plus years have been pushing for a voyage to Mars, the
asteroid agitators are trying to build support for a mission.

Shouldn't this be the job? Not the freetime hobby, but the job?

Charles Stross had an interesting blog post a little while ago, in which he put forth other ways that we could have spent the billions of dollars wasted in Iraq. One of his suggestions was to set up a colony on Mars:

Either way, the direct costs of the Iraq war exceed the maximum cost
estimate for a manned Mars expedition, infrastructure and all, by 20%. If we
take $20Bn as the cost per mission and $450Bn as the cost to develop the
technology to go there, the direct cost of the Iraq war would be sufficient to
develop a gold-plated Mars expeditionary capability and send six crews of
astronauts to Mars (and bring them back afterwards).
Going by Stiglitz's
indirect estimates, the picture is even more ludicrous; for $3Tn, assuming a
crew of four per expedition, $20Bn per flight, and a basic $450 start-up price,
you could send 510 astronauts to Mars. That's not a Mars exploration program,
that's a battalion! It's a small colony! Regular readers will be familiar with
my opinion of plans to colonize Mars ...

And finally, MarsPhoenix has posted that it has discovered ice on Mars. I would love to get a peek of that under a microscope.

2008-06-20T14:33:00.002-05:00

I'm Beginning to See the Light:

The dark cloud that has sat over my life for the past couple of months has started to move on and now I am being treated to a beautiful sunrise. My car is back (but now it's in pieces due to engine problems), my house is out of foreclosure, I've started to see a therapist and have started on some new meds. For the first time in a long time my cup is half full. Tomorrow is no longer dark and gloomy, it's filled with hope and joy and best of all I get to share it with my wife and kids.

I just opened a Twitter account, so if you want to follow me around, you can do so here.

2008-02-22T16:48:00.005-06:00

To My Most Beautiful Wife:

It was five years ago today that I married you. I knew pretty early on in our relationship that you were the one. Truth is that I can't remember not loving you nor do I want to.
You've graced me in our marriage with two amazing wonderful boy and I am forever grateful to you for giving me them and I'm so proud to share each day with you and them.
I know that we have had some hard times, but throughout it all the love and respect that we have for each other has outshined any bad.
So here we are five years later and my love for you has grown so much. It's a deeper more understanding love and I can't wait for the next five years at your side.
I love you Sweetie.
M

2008-02-12T18:00:00.000-06:00

might wanna pick up some cereal if you go to the store tonight...

Sorry that I've been away for so long. The past couple of months have been pure unadulterated hell. Our house has been in foreclosure and my car got repo'd. To make a very long story short-after about a week of pure incompetence we got the car back and after much ball dropping and yet more incompetence, will have stopped the foreclosure. So for the time being, everything is okay.
Now on to lighter, funnier things. I got an email from my wife this afternoon with this: might wanna pick up some cereal if you go to the store tonight... as the subject line and the above picture as the attachment. I have the feeling that he's bouncing off the walls right about now. I mean look at those eyes, he's a step away from a sugar coma.

My little Logo is getting so big. He is officially five months and he seems to think that he is a year old. He wants to crawl or walk so bad, he doesn't care which so long as he can move. The other day my wife said that he made her let him walk around the coffee table at Meme's house. He gets so mad when he can't move the way he wants to. He's usually a very mellow happy baby, but when things do not go his way he gets angry.... I have no idea where he gets that, none....

I have some changes in mind for this blog, a little experiment that I'm working on. I'll fill you in with the details later, but for now just keep posted.

2007-11-14T16:23:00.000-06:00

November in Houston:

The high today is eighty-seven degrees. The leaves are still green on the trees. Flowers are blooming. Yesterday I went outside to read on my lunch break and spent most of the time, not reading, but shooing away a mosquito.

This weekend we spent some time shopping and/or taking Lucas to the store and keeping him occupied so that mommy could clean the house, and Christmas is in full effect. It seems so wrong to wander through aisle after aisle filled full of snowmen (and snowwomen), trees covered in snow, cards of snow, signs that say “Let it Snow!” in my shorts and t-shirt.

December thirteenth will mark my fifteenth year here and I don’t think that I’m any closer to letting go of Colorado. It’s not that I regret moving here, I got some really great things out of it, up to and including my wife and kids, but for some reason my brain is wired for things the way that they were when I was a kid.

(photo © Michael Jastremski for openphoto.net CC:Attribution-ShareAlike)

October was my favorite month. The aspens would start to turn gold; everywhere you looked was a cornucopia of colour. Reds, yellows, greens and oranges. Everything looked so alive, so vibrant. The evening light always seemed to have so much more weight like it was a physical, tangible object.

As October dragged on the temperature would slowly start to fall, the cold bite of the morning air would let you that you were alive. Usually about the time Halloween rolled around the first snow of the season was happening. I don’t know how may Halloweens were spent freezing or were just canceled due to the weather. I remember one of our neighbors made the most amazing airplane costume. It was made out of wood, cardboard and papier-mâché. There was a hole in the middle and he attached to his son with suspenders. He never got to wear it.

(photo © Neal Singleton for openphoto.net CC:PublicDomain)

Christmas didn’t start until Santa made his official first appearance at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. Now he shows up around August. August! That’s what five months. Almost half a year devoted to one day.

We are oversaturated with Christmas; it’s gotten to the point where our entire economy depends on one holiday. Somewhere in the neighborhood of 460 billion dollars is spent by consumers.

All the good toys, games, movies, and CD’s come out in December. If you go to a Best Buy in the middle of June or July you will notice empty shelf after empty shelf. A couple of years ago I spent the better part of that year looking for any album by Bardo Pond. I never found one. A week before Christmas, my wife walks into Best Buy and finds that and a whole bunch of other CD’s that I had been looking for.

And yes I know that I could have gone online and ordered it at any time, but to me it was more that just the CD, it was the journey. Going out with my friends and spending most of the day just looking, searching for that one must have disc. Each disc is a memory, a snapshot of a day spent with some of the greatest friends a guy could ask for and later the greatest girlfriend and then wife a guy could ask for.

Once my wife, then girlfriend, went to Holland to visit my family. On the way back we had a layover in London’s Heathrow airport. I remember having a hell of a time trying to find a place to smoke a cigarette (I have since quit, thank you very much). After getting yelled at for attempting to light up outside the building and told to go to a smoking lounge-something I though existed only in old movies, I had my cigarette and then wondered off to find my then girlfriend. She was sitting in the shopping area, so we decided to have a look around now that my urge to slowly kill myself with nicotine and other various and sundry toxins had been abated. We found a small CD shop and went in and had a look around. So whilst there I found and bought Ian Brown’s first two solo albums and the second from Embrace, so now I equate those albums with spending time with my then girlfriend in a strange and distant land.

Now it’s harder to gain these kinds of memories. All the little independent record stores are closing up shop and the big chains are only fully stocked at Christmas time. By then I’m a) broke b) spending what little money I have on other people and c) not really in the position to by anything for myself because all these albums are on my wishlists. And yes I do get the joy and shared memories of opening them at Christmas, but for the rest of the year I am cheated out of those memories that I hold so dear. Of course now I’m more likely to spend what little extra cash I have on books, the whole music buying, being treated like a criminal, being forced to by locked products, as well as the whole Christmasafication of it all has soured me on buying music.

All of this adds up to the Christmas blues. It’s hot outside, I just stepped out of my car and my retinas are being fried because of the summer sun reflecting off of the pavement and as I walk into the local Wal-Mart I am bombarded with images of snow and winter and of the kind of Christmas’s I had as a child and it saddens me. I want to take my kids up to the mountains and cut down a real Christmas tree, I want to build the same kinds of traditions with them that I had when I was young. I want them to experience magic and not the insanity that this holiday has become. I want it to be pure and wonderful just like they are.

2007-11-09T16:38:00.000-06:00

“The Problem for Artists Isn’t Piracy, It’s Obscurity”

I live in obscurity. I work twelve hours a day, twelve hours away from my family, twelve hours away from my writing for near poverty wages. I have all these ideas for stories and no time to create them. I’m trapped in obscurity, and I’m about to loose my house. I need to break free. So I have decided to put one of my short stories online and see if anything happens. Maybe nothing, maybe something, who knows.

The story is one that I had written for the Machine of Death Anthology. The concept of the anthology is that there is a machine that can, with just a drop of blood, tell you how it is you will die. The problem is that the machine is rather vague in it's predictions. This is the story that I came up with, sadly it was not chosen, but I have been working on it for the past couple of weeks and I think that I now have a better story than the one that I submitted.

It's a love story about a young man who, when he lest expects it, finds true love and how the changes in society and the ghosts of his past affect that relationship. There were some scenes that were kind of difficult to write and took a lot out of me, but I think that in the end it was worth it. I hope that you all enjoy it.

The story can be found here in a variety of different formats and even an audio version (I'm not sure of the quality of that, but if enough people are interested I think that I can be persuaded to do a podcast of the story). Thank you very much for your time and feel free to leave any feedback in the comment section.

The house was dark; they had only the moon and the streetlight out front to guide them through the dark and empty house. They settled in the living room amongst the shadows and dust motes. They sat in awkward silence for a couple of minutes, while Jen and Sarah kept pm’ing each other, leaving Thom and Bran in the dark. Suddenly Jen suggested that they should play truth or dare. Everyone thought that it would be a good idea, everyone but Bran. They went ahead and started. Jen went first. She chose Bran and he asked for a truth.

“How are you going to die, Bran,” she asked.

Update: Sorry I had a problem uploading the files to scribd-it should be working now.

2007-10-04T16:48:00.000-05:00

Welcome to the World Logan:

Logan James was born on September the tenth at 5:44pm

He came in at a whopping 9 pounds 6 ounces and was 21 inches long with a 14 and a half inch head.

Heidi's labor began the day before at about nine pm. She was on the phone with her sister when her water broke. She spent most of the night relaxing and soaking in the bathtub. In fact she spent most of the day in the tub as well. She only pushed for about 15 minutes and I had the pleasure of catching my son. It was a most amazing experience. When he came through the birth canal his little hand was balled up in a little fist on his cheek then just shot that little arm up like he was superman after that his body just began to corkscrew all on it's own and before I knew it I was holding him. Within minutes he was nursing like a champ.

2007-07-18T17:39:00.000-05:00

LOLLucas:

Just feeling goofy and jumping on a meme.

2007-06-29T17:41:00.000-05:00

Pictures Of My Boy:

I took these pictures by placing the camera on the ground and just kind of shooting blindly. I like the way that they came out, especially the one below. They both have a kind of Shift-Tilt Effect going on which I rather like. Also the two of them make a nice diptych in the first one it shows him getting bigger and more independent, walking away from his daddy. The second one has him looking back and holding on to the pole like he's looking back at me to keep him grounded.

Ever since Lucas was born I have enjoyed taking pictures of him that emphasize his smallness. It's amazing how he can look both so small and so big in the blink of an eye. I'll watch him nurse and see how his body covers most of mommy and he looks so big and then in the next second I'll see him standing next to the table and marvel at how small he is. I guess that in the next couple of blinks he'll be grown and I'll wonder how he was ever so small.

2007-06-17T17:20:00.000-05:00

I Wanna Hold Your Hand:

Lucas has come a long way since Christmas. I remember him seeing Heidi hold his new cousin for the first time. He just stopped what he was doing, looked at his momma and turned around and walked off, as if to say "I am not dealing with this, when I get back, that baby had better be out of your arms."

Needless to say, when we found out the next day that Heidi was pregnant, we were worried about how Lucas would handle another baby around the house.

Then Heidi's sister gave birth to twin girls, and Lucas was excited about it. He loves to touch them and kiss them and hug them. He was even okay with them sharing Heidi's lap.

To see him being sweet to his cousins, holding their little hands (see above) and seeing him patting momma's growing tummy, calling out to his brother and trying to share with him (apparently Logan can see through Heidi's belly button) makes me a whole lot less worried about this baby. I think that Lucas will be a good big brother.

2007-05-28T16:26:00.000-05:00

Caution: Some soft drinks may seriously harm your health:

I just found this article over at The Independent. Which at first made me say to myself, OMGWTFWEREALLGOINGTODIE!!1!! Then I noticed phrases like "Research from a British university suggests a common preservative found in drinks such as Fanta and Pepsi Max has the ability to switch off vital parts of DNA." Which British university? And"...when mixed with the additive vitamin C in soft drinks, it causes benzene, a carcinogenic substance." First I thought, there's vitamin C in soft drinks?!? Then the thing that really caught my eye was causes, it causes benzene. That doesn't seem right to me, are they saying that vitamin C causes benzene? or are they saying that when vitamin C and sodium benzoate mix then they create benzene? And/or am I looking too much into a simple typo?

Then there was the name of the Professor, one Peter Piper? Really? Yes really. No seriously, I googled him there really is a Professor Peter Piper. Here's his web page.

So then I'm back to my original thought, OMGWTFWEREALLGOINGTODIE!!!1! Then I remembered that I quit drinking soda's about a year ago and thanked my wife for encouraging me to do so (translation: forcefully compelled-just kidding).

2007-05-14T13:17:00.000-05:00

My Little Ladies Man:

Last night for Mother's Day, Lucas and I went out to dinner with Mommy, Mimi, Papa and some of Heidi's siblings and their kids. We went to this place called Texas Borders. It's basically a bar with a patio and playground added on as an afterthought. Great combination, isn't it. You have the parents ignoring their kids and getting hammered and then you have the Lord of the Flies happening over in the playground.

When we first got there some of the older kids were acting like they were in WWE and not a restaurant, I was kind of worried about Lucas. But soon enough someone had the good sense to tell those kids to take it down a few notches.

I let one of Luke's older cousins take him onto the playground, but I kept a close eye on him and it's a good thing that I did. The playground area is one big square with two different jungle gyms one for toddlers and the other for big kids. The toddler one is offset by a little wooden fence and next to it is a big open sand pit. I looked back and I saw some strange girl helping to hoist my son up onto the platform of the big kids jungle gym. I went over to investigate and to fire his cousin. I got there just in time to see Lucas get on his belly and make to get back down off of the platform that he's on. There is only one problem. The place where he has chosen to exit is a five foot drop to the ground. I managed to get to him just in the nick of time. Thank the maker.

His First Kiss:

Warning the above image belongs to the walt disney corp, I should be half drawn and quartered for using it.

Now here is the part where I get to tell the story of my son's first kiss. Yea my son lived up to the title on his shirt that he was wearing that night: Ladies Man. Since the wee one is only twenty-two months old, I fear that he will not remember this momentous occasion, so I shall write it down so that when he his older he can at least have this.

So we are at the aforementioned bar and grill and dinner has just been served and Lucas would rather play than sit down and eat a meal. So he's been stopping by and eating a bit here and a bite there, then running off and playing. For some reason unknown to me I decided to check on the lad, only to see him standing behind the little wooden fence with his eyes closed and his lips all puckered up. That is when I noticed an older girl standing next to him, she was maybe three years old. She had long brown hair with bangs cut straight across, and brown eyes, she looked a lot like Lilo (hence the image above). She too had her lips pursed and her eyes closed and somehow their lips found each other.

I quickly elbowed my wife in the ribs and told her to look at our little playa. Under the moon and the stars, with a myriad of bugs circling the over head lamp he leaned in and kissed her again.

Then he walked off as if nothing had happened. And he came and he sat down next to us and ate a piece of chicken.

2007-05-13T15:20:00.000-05:00

Happy Mother's Day!:

To the mother of my children I just want to say thank you. I know that the past couple of years have been hard, but we have made it through it stronger than ever. You are a sweet caring loving Mother and you put Luke's needs ahead of your own, and I know that you will do the same for Logan. You love my boys so much and you take such good care of them, I just want to thank you so much for helping to raise such a wonderful boy. You are the greatest! Happy Mother's Day! I Love You Sweetie!

2007-05-09T22:55:00.000-05:00

Portrait of the Artist As A Young Man:

I turned 33 today. As a nice little blast from the past, my cousin Cissy sent me this picture. I think that it was taken in Marken and I was maybe 4 or 5 at the time. I asked my mother and she's not sure of the age either. But she did say that I had gotten upset and I walked outside. I wasn't allowed to go outside, because the outfit was rented, but hey, it got us this cute picture. The strangest thing is how much of Lucas I see in that picture. There were a couple of times where I just glanced at it and I swear I thought that it was Lucas. That's one of the strange things about being a parent, you see so much of yourself in your child (or at least I do), and you see in him all the potential that you had and you hope that he ends up using that potential and becoming a better person than you are.

2007-05-01T13:13:00.000-05:00

Finished!:

After taking way to long, I finally finished my short story for the Machine of Death anthology. It was an interesting journey. There were some scenes that were kind of hard to write from an emotional standpoint, so I was rather apprehensive going into them, so much so that I had found myself staring at the computer screen. But when I started to write them, the characters came through and started writing it themselves. I was like Neil Gaiman and Stephen King say, your just along for the ride and your just as anxious to see where there going as the audience is (at least I think that they have both said something along those lines). My beautiful wife and wonderful editor said that I write good dialog, which made me feel good about it. I also made her mist up, which made me immensely proud.

Hopefully I will hear something between now and June 15 and I will post the news when/if it comes in. Then I will post the where, when and how it will be found. And if worse comes to worse I'll just post it here. I am beyond tired right now. It took me forever to write, I finally finished it last Saturday, then Heidi and I finished editing it last night. I managed to email it in an hour before the deadline. Procrastinate? Me? Never.

2007-04-20T13:58:00.000-05:00

Baby Update:

We finally went ahead and got the ultrasound. We had been waiting for Medicad to approve Heidi, but we just couldn't wait any longer so we just went ahead and had it done. So it's a boy and he's healthy, he has ten fingers and ten toes and while we were watching him, we saw him take a drink and then stick out his tongue. He has long skinny arms and legs, so we're thinking that this might be our little Dutch boy.

My Boys, that sounds so cool. Now I can do like my father would do whenever one of us (me or my brother) would get into trouble, he would just yell-BOOOYS!! and one would stop and the other would say with great indignity-I didn't do anything! So now I get to drive my kids crazy like that. No really I wouldn't do that to my boys. Okay not too often, I promise.

So far I think that we have settled on the name Logan James, so yea we're going to be one of those families with the kids with the same first letter and stuff. My cousins were named Kristy, Kourtney, and Kerry. It drove me crazy, I could never keep their names straight. I use to say that I would NEVER do that, but here I go. Besides, Logan just feels right. It was like with Lucas, I knew that I liked the name, I just couldn't sell Heidi on it. She liked it alright, but we couldn't find a middle name to clinch the deal. We tried everything. Then one day I was thinking of my friend Brian and I remembered his middle name was Alexander and I thought, Lucas Alexander, wow, I really like that. So I called Heidi and told her and then she just knew-Lucas Alexander was just meant to be his name. So I'm guessing the same will hold true for Logan, although I wouldn't put it past us to change it again....

Anyroads, I was just popping up to share the good news, but I have a story to attempt to finish. Wish me luck.

2007-04-05T08:41:00.000-05:00

Spring Is Springing Up All Over The Place:

Story:
It's been an interesting week so far. I wasn't able to finish my short story by the 31st, but I still have until the end of this month to get it done. I was hoping to finish early and have plenty of time to edit and have it looked over before turning it in. It's been a hard story to write so far, I keep on thinking of new ways to make it better and end up having to rewrite entire sections of it. The hardest part so far has been writing in the third person, especially since some of it is based on true life events so I keep on going back and reading what it is I wrote only to find pronoun problems, I for he, etc. I hope it will turn out okay in the end though.

Flood:
Monday morning I came in to work to find out that a pipe under the bathroom sink had gone boom and flooded my department and the department next to us. There was a good inch to inch and a half of water. So most of the day was spent bailing out water and cleaning up. The rest of my department left early, but I stayed late because I desperately need the hours.

Upper management spent most of the day trying to figure out who was going to pay to clean up the mess so nothing was done about the wet carpet until Tuesday, which means that my office is now a complete and total stink-a-rama. The solution that they came up with to clean the wet carpet was to hire a wet carpet cleaner, so now the carpet smells like mold and chemicals, which is doing wonders for my head, not to mention the fact that the have these uber floor fans that loud as a boing 747. Thank the maker I'm off tomorrow, my head can't take anymore of this.

My Boy:
It's amazing to watch my son grow. And he's growing so fast I can hardly believe it. Things that he couldn't do a week ago, he now does with ease. A week ago he had to crawl up over the curb onto the sidewalk, and just the other day he just put his little foot up and stepped right on up to that sidewalk like he'd been doing it all his life.

I watch Lucas getting bigger and bigger and I want to just put my hands on top of his head and tell him to stop growing so fast just like my sister-in-law said that I would. Don't get me wrong I love watching him grow up, and I'm excited to share each day with him, but I feel like I just watched him be born and in the blink of an eye, he's a toddler, a few more blinks and he'll be grown. I just want to enjoy these days before they are gone.

I love these little hands, how they explore the world, the gentle way in which he uses them. Ever since he was born, his hands have always been so expressive. Now that he's older we have been teaching him sign language, little things like milk, water, Mommy, Daddy, more, sleep. We've taught him how to sign the names of animals and trees, cars and trucks, and he uses the sign pretty much until he can say it, or comes up with a way to say it. Duck is now quack quack! I've always wondered what his voice would sound like, but I'm afraid that I'll miss the gentle way that he puts his index fingers and thumbs together to tell me that he wants more. I'll miss the careful way he moves his wrist to tell me that he wants to play. But I do love his voice, it's everything that my voice lacks.

Gift:
by Czeslaw Milosz.
A day so happy.
Fog lifted early, I worked in the garden.
Hummingbirds were stopping over huneysuckle flowers.
There was no thing on earth I wanted to possess.
I knew no one worth my envying him.
Whatever evil I had suffered, I forgot.
To think that once I was the same man did not embarrass me.
In my body I felt no pain.
When straightening up, I saw the blue sea and sails.
-Berkley, 1971

Human Computer Interaction in Sci-Fi Movies.
Here's an interesting article about human computer interaction in Science Fiction movies. I've been wanting to write about computing and human interaction lately, but I haven't had the time. Hopefully I'll have a little time this weekend and devote a post to that, so in the mean time I'll give you that article to wet your whistle.

A Quick Bit of Good News:

"After a record seven and a half months behind bars, San Francisco video blogger Josh Wolf has been released. Wolf walked out of a federal prison in Dublin, California Tuesday after prosecutors dropped a key demand that had made him the longest-jailed journalist for protecting a source in US history. Wolf was jailed on August 1st of last year when he refused to turn over video that he had shot of an anti-G8 demonstration in San Francisco."

Cherie Priest:
I just finished reading 'Four and Twenty Blackbirds' by Cherie Priest and I must say I was impressed. I first found her a couple of weeks ago on John Scalzi's Whatever blog, and I started to read the first part of her new book 'Dreadful Skin' on the Subterranean Press site, after about a page I was hooked, so of course I have to read all of her stuff now, so I started at the beginning, with Four and Twenty. There was something instantly familiar about the narrator, I felt as knew her, in fact she reminded me of my friend Brandi. I can't wait to read the rest of the series.

The above picture was taken using my advanced new photo taking method. Step one, set your camera on timer, a two second delay is good. Step two, press the shutter button, wait a second, then throw the camera into the air. Step three, and the most important step, catch the camera. Step four, provided you didn't drop your camera, admire your new picture.

I got the idea from this website and thought that it might be kind of fun, so I gave it a whirl, and I think I like the way that it turned out there is a movement to it that's just dizzying.

I take no responsibility for you attempting this form of extreme photography and breaking your camera, your on your own with this. If you do try it though, I'd be interested to see the results.

2007-03-28T15:59:00.000-05:00

Apparently He Gets This From His Father:

Last Saturday Lucas and Heidi were invited to a birthday party. I stayed home and tried to clean up the house a bit. I turned on the TV for company, and I ended up watching ALIAS. Alias is one of those shows that popped in under my radar and by the time that I heard of it, it had been going for a while, so I never really got into it. But Saturday it was on the telly, so I figured that I'd check it out for a minute or two.
There was this scene that took place in a lot in Burbank, I mean Berlin, and not a lot, but a club and like all clubs in Berlin it was a goth-industrial club, because really, that's what all of Berlin's youth are, industrial goths. Well at least that's what the tv writers would lead you to believe. Any roads, the first few minutes of the scene is spent people watching, before Ms. Sydney Bristow makes her entrance. The people watching is great, a sea of kool-aid colored hair, piercings in every visible hole, menacing looks, and wall to wall PVC and leather, all of it black. And of course it had to have heavy industrial music, blaring in the background, because what scene of Berlin is complete without industrial music, from what sounded like a bad rip off of Rammstein.
The other day when I told Heidi about this she didn't seem to recognize the name Rammstein, so I went to youtube and started playing Du Hast to give her a taste and as soon as the guitar kicks in-with a rif that would make Beavis and Butthead throw up the goat, squee with delight and start furiously banging their heads and yelling that Rammstein kick ass-I see my son start bobbing his head to the music, squee with delight and start jumping up and down, like it's the greatest thing he's ever heard.
I wonder where he get that kind of behavior from.......

2007-03-26T15:26:00.000-05:00

Writing:
I seem to have misplaced my internet connection this weekend, which turned out to be a good thing because I actually ended up working on my short story for the Machine of Death Collection of Short Stories. Early submissions are due on the 31st, which I was hoping to make and I think that I may have the story finished by then, I just don't know if I can have it edited by then. Tonight my wife and son are off to their monthly La Leche League meeting, so I can sit and type until my fingers turn blue.

Link dump:
Here is an interesting article by Jonathan Lethem. I like his ideas regarding Creative Commons Licenses.

I've been following this new clockpunk movement over at Da Vinci Automata. They are toying with the idea of an anthology here is the first submission On Deep History by Jim Rossignol.

Ernest Hemingway once said his best work was a story he wrote in just six words: 'For sale: baby shoes, never worn.' These six words have sparked a meme with this two articles here and here. Here are some of my favorites:

Internet “wakes up?” Ridicu -
no carrier.
- Charles Stross

It cost too much, staying human.
- Bruce Sterling

I’m dead. I’ve missed you. Kiss … ?
- Neil Gaiman

The baby’s blood type? Human, mostly.
- Orson Scott Card

The last one goes nicely with this bit of news.

2007-03-22T16:26:00.000-05:00

Random Thoughts and Links:
As kind of an afterthought to yesterdays post, I found this article about creating your own universe:

Also, the baby universe has its own space-time and, as this inflates, the pressure from the true vacuum outside its walls continues to constrain it. As these forces compete, the growing baby universe is forced to bubble out from our space-time until its only connection to us is through a narrow space-time tunnel called a wormhole [...].

“Sitting inside the monopole, you would see space expanding in every direction”
In the end, space-time becomes so distorted that even this umbilical cord is severed. The baby universe's space-time is left entirely divorced from our own.

____________

NASA's Astronomy Picture of the Day

I saw this picture of John Edwards this morning and I was reminded of the roll that the media can play in an election. How a candidate is portrayed in the media can make or break an election. I remember in 1992 when Clinton ran against H.W. Bush there on the front page of the Denver Post, were the two candidates the top picture showed Clinton, he was smiling, giving the thumbs up and standing in front of cherry trees blossoming in the early spring. Then I looked down at bush, the picture was half the size of Clinton's and he had a look on his face that made him look as though he were about to throw up (and no it wasn't a picture from the famous Japan incident). I knew right then who was going to win the election.

Now look at the above image. Edwards is standing there, looking like a real human being, and next to him is the coup de grace, the road sign. How is this a coup de grace you may ask? The message, road work ahead, that is precisely what will lie ahead, should he win.

Later on in the day I was reading this article about how the FBI may have violated the law or government policies as many as 3,000 times since 2003 as agents secretly collected the telephone, bank and credit card records of U.S. citizens and foreign nationals residing here. When I just happened to glance at the sidebar and I read: "Today In Slate: Why Obama is like a serial killer" so I had to click on that and I found this article, which I'm sorry, I think is a bit ridiculous. Yes when you find out that your neighbour is some kind of serial killer or that someone that you grew up with is running for president, it's going to change the way that you think about them. Your brain is going to take this information and process it with the old information and then look for patterns, but I don't think that a presidential candidate and a serial killer are that much alike-well most at least. More importantly, it feeds into the whole perception thing. They are portraying Obama as something he isn't and purposefully or not affecting the potential outcome.

___________

Finally I just wanted to comment on the potential showdown between Congress and President Bush over authorizing subpoenas for White House political adviser Karl Rove and other top aides involved in the firing of federal prosecutors.

Democrats angrily rejected Bush's offer to grant a limited number of lawmakers private interviews with the aides with no transcript and without swearing them in.

What would be the point otherwise?
Congressman: Yesterday during our closed door meeting with Carl Rove he confessed to ordering the firings of federal prosecutors...
Rove: No I didn't.
Congressman: Yes you did.
Rove: No
Congressman: Yes, yes, yes.
Rove: Do you have a transcript? Or perhaps sworn testimony?
Congressman: No....
Rove: Then no I didn't.

I can see why the democrats don't want that.

2007-03-20T16:01:00.000-05:00

What if uhh... C-A-T, really spelled dog?:

From an interview with novelist Zadie Smith on KCRW's Bookworm program:

"But the problem with readers, the idea we’re given of reading is that the model of a reader is the person watching a film, or watching television. So the greatest principle is, 'I should sit here and I should be entertained.' And the more classical model, which has been completely taken away, is the idea of a reader as an amateur musician. An amateur musician who sits at the piano, has a piece of music, which is the work, made by somebody they don’t know, who they probably couldn’t comprehend entirely, and they have to use their skills to play this piece of music. The greater the skill, the greater the gift that you give the artist and that the artist gives you. That’s the incredibly unfashionable idea of reading. And yet when you practice reading, and you work at a text, it can only give you what you put into it. It’s an old moral, but it’s completely true."

I would add that talented writers begin as talent readers, though I've scarcely heard it remarked upon.

The two activities are not only fundamentally similar, they're the necessary halves of a single human activity.

The reader completes the arc.

If there is no reader, there is no text.

I never really gave this that much thought, what is the model of a reader? I read a lot, in fact I'm rarely without a book nearby, so do I read as I were watching a movie? Do I read more like a pianist playing a piece of music? Today I kind of found out which one it is.

I was sitting outside, under the tree again, inhaling massive amounts of pollen (something I'm beginning to regret currently), and still trying to finish my book (I had hoped to finish last night, but time slipped past me). Suddenly I found myself in the zone, so to speak. I was rushing along reading as fast as I could, not because I wanted to be finished, but because I wanted to know what happens, how does this all tie together? My eyes drank in each word like they were nectar.

"Kearney fell to his knees and pushed his face into the beach, where he perceived with clarity and suddenness not just the individual grains of wet sand but the shapes between them. They looked so distinct and detailed that he did, briefly, feel like a child again. He wept for the sheer loss of this: the loss of himself."

I read these words, and as I did another part of my brain started to think of infinite smallness and how to something almost microscopic, looking up from a grain of wet sand, it could look like an entire universe, spanning to infinity. We would only see a beach spanning from point A to point B. Reality is perception.

I sit up, straighten my back, and lean into the book like I'm trying to fall into and become the book just as Seria Mau Genlicher was her spaceship, the White Cat, I read on:

"Everywhere you look it unpacks to infinity. What you look for, you find. And you people can have it. All of it."

In my mind I'm microscopic, standing on a grain of wet sand, I see it grow and expand, like a camera in a movie, pulling out further and further. The grains of sand spread out like some sort of explosion, they zoom out then suddenly stop. They are no longer grains of sand, but stars. The universe unpacks to infinity.

I have to wonder though, am I just like the micro-organism? Is the this infinite universe actually a beach? Are we just a smaller part of something greater like at the end of Men in Black?

My lunch ended and I still didn't finish my book (fifteen pages left!). As I walked back to my office, I remembered the above quote from Zadie Smith and I thought to myself that I was the pianist using M. John Harrison's words as my music and I wondered if I got the notes right.

2007-03-19T16:04:00.000-05:00

In Which the Author Walks Into the Room, Turns on the Light, Sweeps Out the Cobwebs, Walks Up To the Mic, Taps Twice, and Says-Hello, Is This Thing Still On?:

Sorry for the dearth of posts here, but life got in the way. The mysterious red lump on Lucas' neck caused him to be hospitalized for a week. I have uploaded some pictures and saved them as Drafts, so as soon as I finish adding witty commentary to them, you will be getting posts from Christmas past.

I have made a few changes around here, most notably I combined my two blogs. I was having a heck of a time keeping the fatherhood posts separate from the rest. Lucas and my on the way child are just too big a part of me to separate out, so I combined them. All the posts from the old blog have been moved over here, so if you look back you can find them.

This afternoon, whilst on my lunch break, I went outside, sat amongst the trees and tried to finish my book. I had just stopped to look up at the tree above me and and watch the wind rustle both the new spring leaves and the old fall leaves, the latter of which would finally find their way loose and flutter to the ground, when I heard a bird singing his song to the wind. It took a while before I found him, he was a little house finch, hard to find amongst the leaves and branches of the tree. I watched him as he flitted from branch to branch, all the while his song became more frantic. I wondered what was wrong with him, was he lost, looking for someone. Instantly an image popped into my head, that he had lost his love, and was franticly looking for her, all the while singing louder and louder, calling out her name. Where are you my love, where are you.
The noise of a lawn mower drowned out the birds song and woke me from my imaginings and I returned to my book. Right as I was getting ready to return to the office, the lawn mower stopped and before I made it back to the door, I heard him sing again, but this time he was not alone, which made me happy.

The above images are some that I created using some of our honeymoon pictures. We drove from Houston to Colorado and then back down through Roswell. These are some of my favorite images that I have created over the past couple of years for some reason they also made me very happy. I guess that I'm just easily happy today.

2007-01-18T12:00:00.000-06:00

In Which the Author Waxes Philosophically on Comic Books:

When I was a kid, I remember finding an old copy of Tintin. It was an old Dutch version set in the American old west. I was never able to read Dutch, but I remember looking at the pictures and trying to sus out what was happening. I always kept on coming back to that book and since I only had the pictures to guide me, the story was different each time. That's one of the wonderful things about comic books, the way that they work on different levels.
Take for example Can't Get No, by Rick Veitch. The book is one long-form poem, but the images tell another story. One story being totally visual, leaving what was being said entirely up to the reader. Each time you come back to it the story is different, the poem adds more depth and feeling to the story, but could easily be read with out it (although I wouldn't recommend it).
That's one of the things that is so amazing to me about comics, the fact that as a story telling device it has so much potential to tell the whole of the human experience. We are not just visceral creatures, we are visual and intellect and sensual and comic books can explore all of this that makes us so unique.

2007-01-17T22:46:00.000-06:00

Winter Comes to Houston:

After several days of, will it or won't it snow we finally got our answer, no. It did, however, rain then the rain froze leaving behind a world that looks like Batman's Mr. Freeze had run amok throughout the city.

It's amazing how much a little ice can change the way that you look at thinks. Little things like the leaves on the bush that I walk past at least twice a day, add a little ice and it looks like a sculpture or something. A simple everyday thing that you take for granted suddenly becomes beautiful.

I'll just shut up now and let the images speak for themselves.

2007-01-17T22:42:00.000-06:00

A Little Taste of Winter:

We've actually gotten a bit of a cold spell. Two days ago it was in the seventies and now it's just hovering above freezing. They have been predicting sleet and ice for days now, but so far all we have is cold. I spent the ladder part of my lunch walking around near where I work. I love the way the cold makes your face tingle, it just makes you feel alive.

I remember before I moved down here my friend had stopped by to say goodbye to me. I didn't know when or if I would ever see her again. She came by early in the morning, there was still snow on the ground and the cold was as bitter as our goodbye. She has surprised me with this visit, so I had just walked out in whatever I was wearing. I don't even think that I had socks on.
Today whilst walking through the freezing cold I am reminded of that day, that bittersweet moment when we held each other and said goodbye. It was hard at the time to leave, but looking back on it now it pushed me on the path to where I am now and if I hadn't gone through that I wouldn't have my beautiful wife and son now. I miss Colorado, and the occasional blasts of cold air that we get down remind me of the path that I followed to get to this point, and I wouldn't waiver, not even for an instant if I had to do it over again.

2007-01-17T12:28:00.000-06:00

On Trees:

I was off this past Monday for Martin Luther Kings Birthday, so I got to spend the day with my wife and son. We went to a resale shop to get Lucas some more cloth diapers. His recent stint with antibiotics coupled with his new found love of oranges has turned the lad into a bit of a fountain, so we are hoping that he will consent to wear them until his incontinence passes.

On the drive there, Lucas fell asleep in his car seat. I didn't have the heart to wake him, so I let my wife go in while I waited with Lucas in the nice warm car. While in the car I listened to the radio and stared out the window, mostly at these trees. I love looking at the intricate patterns that the branches make against the grey sky. Something about that speaks to me. I also love the phone lines behind them-it gives it this whole man v. nature thing and there is just something about the contrast between the straight geometric patterns of the man made against the free form patterns of nature.

2007-01-17T11:50:00.000-06:00

Birds and Silliness:

When I was in elementary school one of my teachers would reward us, for attendance, or good grades or whatever with a book. She had a big pile of them and we could pick whichever one we wanted. When it was my turn I excitedly went up to the front of the room and looked at the books. Right away I knew which one I was going to pick, it was a field guide for birds in North America. What little knowledge I have of birds today I gleaned from that book. I'm always looking out the window at the birds in my back yard, this Sunday I glanced outside and saw this cardinal hopping around the back yard. I immediately ran and got my camera and attempted to capture the little guy. Unfortunately I was too far away and had to use the digital zoom, which made the image fuzzy, but for some reason I still like the picture.

A portrait of young Harry shortly after moving to the Dursley's house. He had just gotten his first and only pair of glasses, which, when he was older were held together with tape until he met Hermione Granger and she fixed them for him. My apologizes to Mrs. Rowling for this.

2007-01-17T11:39:00.000-06:00

Law:

I remember the first time that we gave Lucas solid foods. My wife would get a little spoonful of food and try and feed it to him and every time that the spoon would touch his lips he would grab the spoon and try and feed himself. It was if he said, yea I know how to do this, I've been watching you do it for the past six months. So here he is a year and a month later and he totally has eating with a spoon down, gravity, however, is not his strong point, but to paraphrase the immortal Bugs Bunny he's never studied law.

2007-01-15T19:56:00.000-06:00

A Rare Friday Night Out:

For Christmas my manager got us all gift certificates to Chili's so we were gifted with a rare night out. I was trying to get a picture of Lucas with his "cell" phone in his back pocket, whist he looked out to the world as if to say, Look at me I'm the coolest kid ever. I clearly missed, but I like this shot none the less.

This is another picture that didn't turn out as expected, but I still like it, it has this creepy kind of feel to it.

2007-01-15T18:46:00.000-06:00

Books A Million:

Although I never really started reading books until my senior year of high school, I have always loved books. As a kid I can remember always looking at books and just being impressed with them, even though I hardly ever read any of them. There is just something about a book. I don't know if it's the look of it, or the artwork, the way the ink looks on the page. Now I'm never without a book, I guess that I'm making up for all that lost time, I love books even more. Each book is a part of me, the characters live on in me. They are also bookmarks of my life, I can remember where I was, what was going on in my life just by looking at a book. I remember when I moved down here from Colorado. I was in my little red VW Rabbit, going through the vast empty nothingness that is certain parts of Texas, it was foggy out, the sun had just risen, and this old oil rig loomed on the horizon like a dinosaur. That morning, as my dad and I drove onward to my new home, I was busy reading "The Dharma Bums" by Jack Kerouac. Now that memory of a road trip with my dad is intertwined with Kerouac's prose in the library of my memory, and that is one of the million different reasons why I love books so much. And as I watch my own library grow from one bookshelf to many, I am glad to know that the road that is my life is so rich.

2007-01-14T23:56:00.000-06:00

Lunchtime Reading in the Sun:

I just finished reading "Cell" by Stephen King. I enjoyed it for the most part. There were a few images that I could have spent the rest of my with out ever coming up with, and now will spend the rest of my life trying to forget. It did, however, keep me turning those pages. I must say that I was a little disappointed by the ending, it left too much unsaid. It did raise some interesting questions about what makes us human, and what would we have to trade to unlock the untapped 90% of our brains that go unused, and what lies in that 90%.

I took these pictures whilst on my lunch break. I love to go outside and read in the sunshine, and this past week there has been plenty of it. It wakes me up. It recharges my batteries. It helps get me through the rest of my day. More often than not it's the highlight of my work day.

2007-01-12T14:14:00.000-06:00

Conspiracy Theories Abound:

One of my favorite guilty pleasures is Rigorious Intuition. The site is full of conspiracy theories and deep politics. It helps me to look at the world in a new light-to connect the dots as it were. Through this site I have discovered Chemtrails. Chemtrails are like contrails, except that the trails left behind by the plains do not disapate after a few minutes, they spread out. No one really knows why this occurs, but of course many theories are floating around the internet, you can find some here, andhere, all over the net really, just google chemtrails.

I don't know if these are chemtrails or not, but it makes for some interesting pictures none the less.

2007-01-12T13:54:00.000-06:00

Special Guest Post:

This is my sons first photograph. Since he's been sick we have been watching a boatload of Muppet Show DVD's, much to Lucas and my delight and much to my wife's chagrin. The other day I remembered that I had bought him this Baby Fozzie Bear toy, so I went and found it. I hid behind the love seat and called his name, when he turned to look I made Fozzie appear just above the chair and started to tell a Fozzie joke. "Did you hear that George the janitor is so cheap that his wallet has an unlisted pocket?" His face was all alight and he ran for Fozzie and grabbed him and hugged him. It was very cute, and it was go cool to see him so excited about The Muppets. Shortly thereafter Momma helped him to take this picture-not bad for his first time-I'm so proud.

2007-01-12T13:04:00.000-06:00

Roads Go Ever On:

Roads go ever ever on,
Over rock and under tree,
By caves where never sun has shone,
By streams that never find the sea;
Over snow by winter sown,
And through the merry flowers of June,
Over grass and over stone,
And under mountains in the moon.

Roads go ever ever on,
Under cloud and under star.
Yet feet that wandering have gone
Turn at last to home afar.
Eyes that fire and sword have seen,
And horror in the halls of stone
Look at last on meadows green,
And trees and hills they long have known.

The Road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
And I must follow, if I can,
Pursuing it with eager feet,
Until it joins some larger way,
Where many paths and errands meet.

The Road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
And I must follow, if I can,
Pursuing it with weary feet,
Until it joins some larger way,
Where many paths and errands meet.
And whither then? I cannot say.

The Road goes ever on and on
Out from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone.
Let others follow, if they can!
Let them a journey new begin.
But I at last with weary feet
Will turn towards the lighted inn,
My evening-rest and sleep to meet.

Still 'round the corner there may wait
A new road or secret gate;
And though I oft have passed them by,
A day will come at last when I
Shall take the hidden paths that run
West of the Moon, East of the Sun.

JRR Tolkien

The sunset from my front door, where many roads have begun, marriage, fatherhood, love and joy. They all come back to my front door and reside happily inside.

2007-01-12T13:01:00.000-06:00

ER Trauma:

Why is that the more that medicine progresses, the more the medical community seems to be stuck in the past-like 1950. Either that or once they stop going to school, they stop learning. For instance the way that they handle circumcision. Aside from the fact that they still do it, they don't know how to care for a child that is uncircumcised. The American Academy of Pediatrics states:

"The foreskin usually does not fully retract for several years and should never be forced. The uncircumcised penis is easy to keep clean by gently washing the genital area while bathing. You do not need to do any special cleansing, such as with cotton swabs or antiseptics."

This goes against the common misconception that you need to retract the penis everyday and wash it to keep it from getting infected. The truth is that the foreskin acts like a sphincter, and is never meant to be forced back.
Last Friday we took Lucas to the E.R.. He had been sick since New Year's Eve and on Friday morning, we noticed a lump on his neck. We were afraid that he might have the mumps, all the symptoms fit. We also noticed that his urine was dark and cloudy. My wife mentioned this to the loverly staff at the E.R. and they said that they needed a urine sample, and since he hadn't gone in about 24 hours, they were going to use a catheter. Before my wife realized what was going on the nurse forced his foreskin back and started to insert the tube. To say that Lucas was not best pleased is an understatement, but to say that he was only fussing because he was being held down is something else entirely. My wife then informed this lady that you are not to force the foreskin back like that, and to that the nurse said that we, of course should be retracting it every night and cleaning it. My wife, how I love her, informed the nurse that she is wrong and that the American Academy of Pediatrics even says so. But of course you cannot teach an old dog new tricks, so I don't think that it did any good. And my son had to go through that hell for nothing.
One of my first memories is having a catheter forced into me-it saddens me to think that it may be my sons all because some nurse stopped learning.

2007-01-12T10:00:00.000-06:00

Lazy Sunday:

Lucas is still sick so we just spent a lazy Sunday hanging out and watching TV. Here's a picture of my boy sipping his juice in the burbs.

We did go for a walk later in the evening though. I've had this camera for over a year now and still haven't really figured out all the different modes and settings. Sometimes I really miss my old SLR camera. Not that I was any better at taking pictures with it, I just liked having more control. But then again with a digital camera I find my self taking pictures of things that I usually wouldn't because I didn't want to waste film. One of these days I will find me a good job and be able to save up for a nice digital SLR. Until then you get happy little accidents like this one. I was messing with the night setting, which is basically just a long exposure, but I think that it turned out pretty cool.

2007-01-07T22:28:00.000-06:00

Big Boy:

My son has developed quite a taste for jelly the past couple of days. I think that it's because the jelly has been moved to the bottom shelf of the fridge and he can grab it. He loves to help. He' grab the jelly and walk it over to the counter and lift it up and wait until I take it from him. Whenever I cook he wants to help pour stuff and stir. He's becoming such a big boy, it's amazing to me.

Last night we went to Barnes and Noble to exchange a book I got for Christmas. Usually when were there he loves to play with the trains (they have a Thomas the Train, train set in the children's section), but tonight, for some reason, the store was packed, and so was the train table. After a minute of fighting to get some space at the train table, he gave up and went wandering. He would follow me or hang out with mom, or look at the employees crazy when they cooed over him. A while later, he was ready to go, so he grabbed mom, and went for the door. Mom said, wait daddy needs to pay for his book (The Ladies of Grace Adieu by Susanna Clarke), so he walked up to me and took my book, walked up to the counter and tried to place it on the counter, then went behind the counter either to a) say "hey would one of you help my dad out, I'd really like to go home now, or b) ring me up his self. He has a way of letting you know just what it is he wants.

2007-01-07T21:59:00.000-06:00

ER:

We had thought that Lucas was getting better. We thought that the last couple of days he was doing a good job a healing, he was still off, he was still sluggish and wanted his mommy to hold him a lot more than usual, but on the whole, we thought he was getting better. Friday morning he woke up and had a big lump on his neck, a fever, and his pee was dark and cloudy. We thought about it for a bit, the Heidi went ahead and took him to the hospital. Around three, she called me at work and told me to get there now, so off I went. He's okay, they think that it's some sort of infection of his lymph nodes, so of course they started him on antibiotics right away. It's amazing how fast they went from OMG that looks real bad to dismissing it as "just a virus". Along the way my son was poked and prodded and dare I say tortured by some nurse that never bothered to follow any advice from the American Academy of Pediatrics. More on that in my other blog. This picture was taken after we got home, and momma and baby settled down for some much deserved rest.

2007-01-05T13:53:00.000-06:00

A child said, What is the grass?

A child said, What is the grass? fetching it to me with full
hands;

How could I answer the child?. . . .I do not know what it
is any more than he.

I guess it must be the flag of my disposition, out of hopeful
green stuff woven.

Or I guess it is the handkerchief of the Lord,

A scented gift and remembrancer designedly dropped,

Bearing the owner's name someway in the corners, that we
may see and remark, and say Whose?

Or I guess the grass is itself a child. . . .the produced babe
of the vegetation.

Or I guess it is a uniform hieroglyphic,

And it means, Sprouting alike in broad zones and narrow
zones,

Growing among black folks as among white,

Kanuck, Tuckahoe, Congressman, Cuff, I give them the
same, I receive them the same.

And now it seems to me the beautiful uncut hair of graves.

Tenderly will I use you curling grass,

It may be you transpire from the breasts of young men,

It may be if I had known them I would have loved them;

It may be you are from old people and from women, and
from offspring taken soon out of their mother's laps,

And here you are the mother's laps.

This grass is very dark to be from the white heads of old
mothers,

Darker than the colorless beards of old men,

Dark to come from under the faint red roofs of mouths.

O I perceive after all so many uttering tongues!

And I perceive they do not come from the roofs of mouths
for nothing.

I wish I could translate the hints about the dead young men
and women,

And the hints about old men and mothers, and the offspring
taken soon out of their laps.

What do you think has become of the young and old men?

What do you think has become of the women and
children?

They are alive and well somewhere;

The smallest sprouts show there is really no death,

And if ever there was it led forward life, and does not wait
at the end to arrest it,

And ceased the moment life appeared.

All goes onward and outward. . . .and nothing collapses,

And to die is different from what any one supposed, and
luckier.
-Walt Whitman.

2007-01-04T14:35:00.000-06:00

Back To Work (Light Duty):

I had been off of work for the past two weeks for the holidays, so I got to spend a lot of time with my wife and son. Yesterday was my first day back, and I knew that it was going to be hard on all of us. During the break whenever I would get up before Lucas, or if I was out of the room, he would go looking for me. "Yaaaaya!" I would here him cry as he was looking for me. He wouldn't be happy until he found his Yaaaya. I was good for me, I felt like we had bonded, he wants his daddy, which is really cool.

I was feeling so sick last night-I think that I had what Lucas had on New Years. I came home and just collapsed on the floor. Later on Lucas was laying on the floor coloring. It was so cute I had to take a picture of it, so I slowly got up, fought a bought of dizziness and got my camera, and returned to the living room only to find out that Lucas had stopped coloring. I was feeling real bad so I rolled over on the sofa and fell asleep. A little while later I felt a tap, tap, tap on my back. I rolled over and saw my son holding my camera, he was using it to tap my back. I asked him if he wanted me to take his picture and he handed me the camera and I took this picture. Then I showed it to him, and he was so excited.

2007-01-04T13:51:00.000-06:00

Faith:

For a father pregnancy is an exercise in faith. I have to have faith that this child will grow and be healthy and strong. There is nothing that I can do to protect it, to make sure that it will be healthy and strong, I have to have faith that my child can find it's way onto this earth, that it's body is forming correctly, that it's okay. I wish that there was a way to see my child, to be able to know that it's okay, but I have to wait, and maybe in a few months I will be able to feel it wiggle under my touch or see it under and ultrasound. I remember seeing Lucas' ultrasound pictures for the first time, how amazing it was to see his little body, and his perfect little toes. It felt so good to know that he was okay, that he was a he. I didn't have to worry so much, knowing that he had ten fingers and ten toes.
I know that there are things that can be done to help ensure a healthy baby, eating right, not smoking, etc., but for the first couple of months especially I just feel so helpless, it doesn't feel real. I mean other that my wife being cranky and a couple of lines showing up on a stick when peed on, I have nothing tangible, if that makes sense. I mean I know that she is pregnant, but for the time being it's this abstract idea, there is nothing for me to hold on to, except for faith.

2007-01-03T12:12:00.000-06:00

Week 5:

According to about.com Junior is:

The heart will begin to beat this week! It's amazing how much is happening so quickly. A transvaginal ultrasound will show about 90% of the yolk sacs. It is now possible to differentiate between the head and the tail of the baby now. By the end of the week that folic acid will be paying off as the neural folds begin to fuse. Your baby is now an embryo! Average length is 1.5 - 2.5 mm

It's amazing how fast the little guy is progressing. I'm just getting use to the idea of a second child, and Junior is already an embryo!

It's been a roller coaster kind of a week for us going from, this can't be real, take another test, best two out of three, best four out of five.... Followed by why, why, why did I do this? (The this in question is getting my wife pregnant, it is not to be taken any other way-just covering my butt, pregnancy, hormones and stuff.)Then one to maybe it was a defective test, or four defective tests. From there it was off to we're screwed, I'm not going to be able to afford this, and finally this is going to happen, we can do this.

All this happened with in the first couple of minutes. And for the past week and a half I have hopscotched from one emotion to the next and back again.

2007-01-02T22:10:00.000-06:00

On The Mend:

Lucas is feeling much better today, which means that I'm feeling much better today. We went to the mall this evening to exchange some Christmas gifts, and he was just running and running all over the mall. It did my heart good to see him acting normal again. I don't think that he even sat up on his own yesterday.

The full moon over the dormer windows at the top of my house. Orion is just to the right of the moon. I never really realized how much owning a house means to me until recently. It's so much more than just a repository for all my stuff, it is memories, and hopes and dreams, and it's a big part of who I am. I was lucky when I was growing up to live in the same house for thirteen years. I can still picture that house, just as it was when we moved out. I remember all the winters we spent there and Christmases past. I can remember our fist Christmas there, we had a small tree on top of a big box, my mother wrapped it in Christmas paper, to make it look less boxy. That year we had it in what would be my Fathers study. I hope to give similar memories to my children, of a warm safe home, a place that was always there, always theirs. A place that deep in their hearts they can call home, and even though the years my pass and they will move on, a part of this house will always be a part of them.

2007-01-01T22:52:00.000-06:00

Happy New Year:

Lucas has been sick last night and all of today. So we spent the first day of the year taking care of him and watching movies. We started off with The Muppet Show Season One, then we watched Superman Returns and followed that up with The Sound of Music. Not to bad a way to start off the new year, minus of course the sick baby. There is something that makes you feel both helpless and humbled, taking care of a sick child. Helpless in the fact that I can't make him better, but humbled at watching his body and his spirit fight this nasty bug that he's caught. I took these two pictures of him while he was napping, he looked so peaceful and serene, just like a little angel.

2007-01-01T16:15:00.000-06:00

Late Christmas Present:

The day after Christmas we found out that we were having our second child. I came as a bit of a surprise for us, we had intended to wait until our oldest son was at least three before we even tried, but as it turns out he will only be two when our second child is born. It has taken a couple of days to get use to the idea, but I think that we're getting excited about it.
So Bean Junior or just Junior as we are referring to he/she is due on September 2nd. That's just a day earlier than Lucas' due date was (I'm beginning to detect a pattern here).
So it looks like this year I got a Christmas present that I didn't even know that I had wanted, but it will be something that I will treasure forever.